finding self worth at nautilus teachings

always
always

I believe we are born with a passion
Be it organizing, creating, loving, giving
We have within us something
That itches and claws to be released
I can remember sitting on the front porch
And watching confident HER
I rode my bike passed her home daily
Looking for athletic HER
I would hide behind trees in the park
Knowing which way adventurous HER walked to the pool
I was given small moments of time with HER
Because she was “just too busy horseback riding, skating, swimming, tumbling…
And then I moved
And SHE was replaced by another HER
Sweet, soft, big boobed, popular, all the boys want to date HER,
Her clothes fit HER perfectly, low riding HER hips,
Mine, were hand me downs that my mother tried to alter
HER lips were always moist with gel, hair shiny, SHE wore makeup to accent HER eyes,
I had acne, dull hair, no hips, no boobs and stuttered
She was cheerleader, student body president
I was band, softball
Everyone loved HER, hugged HER, wanted to be HER
SHE gave me small increments of time to
“hold this, will you?”, “bring me that, will you?”
18 hit and college arrived
Dang it, there SHE was-
another one
SHE laughed all the time,
I stood by watching in awe
SHE was the star volleyball player
I was a pom pom girl
SHE told everyone what to do, and what their new “nickname” was
I became Schultzy to everyone
It was HER rules and everyone obeyed
Including me
And then SHE decided we were to be friends
I started laughing, talking without a stutter
And was accepted everywhere
Together WE smiled
WE played
WE drank
WE grew up
And Schultzy stayed
Because of HER
SHE gave me the nurturing I needed to begin flight

silence is my friend
silence is my friend

And then we both moved
And I
Became
Silent
Sheri
Once
More
For years I tried to let ME out
I would paint in my journals
And write poems in my books
I photographed things I wanted to keep sacred
But I could not fly
I had no inner strength
And then I would see HER
And Schultzy came back
And WE smiled
Laughed
Shared
Grew
But in my aloneness
I sank deeper
Into the shallowed corners
Of self doubt and shame
Being married and having children gave me a temporary identity
But
I
Never
Swam
I
Only
Treaded
Water
I did not fit in the cliques at school of
Room mother’s, p.t.a. or brownies,
I became a sewer, a quilter, a baker a baby sitter
I dressed everyone the same on holidays
I made all my gifts
And I made a temporary home
Slowly
I
Was
Loosing
Strength
Soon
I
Would
Drown

only faith saved me
only faith saved me

And then
“You’ve Got Mail”
Hit the big screen
And
I began to blossom
I opened a book store
I began making friends
And I started to fit
In the small community I lived in
Until
I
Was
Held
Under
Water
By
HIM
I crawled back to my deep caverned safety
And surrounded my wounds with thick black paint
For protection
But my tears kept washing away the bandages of pain
I turned
Up the
Volume
On my life
I opened up
My tattered
And
Packaged
Truths
Put paint
To canvas
And
Breathed
In
Life…

so i broke open
so i broke open

Are there people I still aspire to be?
Sure, maybe Sophia Loren,
Sofia Vergara, Angelina Jolie , Jennifer Aniston,
Ellen Degeneres to name a few
But mostly I love living
The life Sheri -aka schultzy- has
I still fight battles,
I still am the “good girl”
Now I have girls
Who ask me for advice
Who like me
Who wish to be me
Lol-really?!!!
What the world sees
Is what I am willing to show
Because
I
Love
My cornered silent days
And colorful expression
I love the challenge of wowing
My husband with the way I dress
Or getting a gasp in art class
For my latest creation
Yet
What
I
Love
The
Most
Is
That
I
Am
Being
True
To
ME
And
I
Am
Living
Colorfully
And
honest
On
The
Outside
Yet
still
Have
A
Hard
Shell
ready
For
Protection
From
The
Sharks
who
will
Try
To
Take
A
Bite
Out
Of
Me…