guns? at nautilus teachings

 

 

“I’M NOT READY TO MAKE NICE
I’M NOT READY TO BACK DOWN
I’M STILL MAD AS HELL
AND I DON’T HAVE TIME
TO GO ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND…”
(Dixie Chicks)

I  left my guns at the door-
Wait,
was I ever given guns in the first place?
I was given hands that held me to the floor
Lips that spilled out vulgarity over and over
Knees shoved in my chest and held down
Til I peed my pants
Guns?
Guns?

“CAN’T YOU JUST GET OVER IT?
IT TURNED MY WHOLE WORLD AROUND….”

I came out with a target painted on my head!
Hit me
Push me down the steps
Spit on me
Call me those
Glorious words
I love to hear so so much
fatty
stupid
ugly
Cunt
Bitch
Slut
Whore
Where were my fucking guns?

“THEY SAY TIME HEALS EVERYTHING
BUT I’M STILL WAITING…”

I had cute little angle wings
And mermaid finns
I had crayons in every hue
I had red radio flyer tennies
And pretty dresses
And lacy panties
I had warm chocolate chip cookies
And fudge brownies
And Mr. Bubble bubble baths
I had lily of the valley to cradle me
I had trees to hide behind
I had closets to hide in
I had feet to run fast with
I had a park to get lost in
I had covers to hide under
I had a mom who loved me

“FORGIVE SOUNDS GOOD,
FORGET I DON’T THINK I COULD..”

Because she
Sheltered me-
And although she had a blue suitcase packed at the door
To runaway at any given moment
She never did
did she have guns
balls
words???
i don’t know…
i never saw her fight back
and when she tried
she always
ended up crying
in the dark
in a corner
alone…
I
Have been
Screaming
My entire life
“Let me out
Look at me
Give me a fucking chance
I am alive…”
I found my weapon
I blew my world apart
I closed all the doors
I melted all the keys
I cocked my gun
Pointed it towards my memories
And in an instant watched them
Flame up, turn to ashes
And blow away
In the wind…
It was

“JUST ANOTHER DAY
OF EVERYBODY LOOKING
I SWORE THEY’D NEVER SEE ME CRY…”

Blank canvases
Empty pages
New palettes
Were being hurled at me
At a speed I could not believe
Covered head to toe in paint splatters
Paper flying from my printer
I was morphing into Sheri?
NO, ALICE!!!
i was becoming Alice…
never again would i feel small…
FINALLY!!!!

“ALL THE THINGS I CAN’T ERASE
FROM MY LIFE
EVERYBODY KNOWS…”

Panic attacks were gone
I exercised every morning
And I cried
I learned to love me
I began to listen to my heart
I slept all night long
I laughed, wrote and painted,
I sang and danced while I cooked
I grew up

“I CAN CHANGE
LIKE COLORS ON THE WALL
HOPING NO ONE ELSE WILL FIND
WHAT LIES BENEATH IT ALL…”

And then
Backwards
my mind
Fell
Into
The
Abyss
Of
My
Life
Drowning
In
Filth
Shame
Low
Self
Esteem
I
Was
The
Black residue
Left
After
Everyone
Shot
Their
fucking
Guns…

“EVERY TIME I TURN AORUND
I RUN INTO MY SELF…”

i will still
seeing shadows
Of my life
In corners
Behind trees
Still hear
The words
Hurled at me
Still feel
The force
Of anger
Only now
My shield
if faith,
Is strength,
It is belief
In myself
LEAVING MY GUN AT THE DOOR?
Not likely
Anymore
I keep it strapped
To my thigh
Along with my fancy
Good girl garter belt
Letting the world know
This chick
May look soft
To hold
But
If
You
FUCK WITH HER
She will
Aim,
Shoot,
Blow the
Smoke
From
Her gun
And
As
You
Fall
To
The
Ground
Laugh
Out
Loud
And
Yell

“THAT’S THE WAY WE PLAY THIS GAME OF LIFE…”