having a panic attackackackackack at nautilus teachings

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i can feel the tremor
building inside
it begins with
a numbing tingle
like a zinging
of atoms
ping ponging
off of the inside of
my capillaries…
i cannot catch
my breath
because i am forgetting
to breathe
i am frozen
in motion
with fear-
all input
terrifying,
as i fold myself
downward
toward the nearest
crack of light
and air…
a heavy weight
sits upon my chest
and i want to scream…
i cannot speak
all i want
is escape…

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if i wasn’t an adult
i would let myself go
and wet myself
not caring who sees me…
but
i am grown
and panic attacks
can hit without warning
in the most unusual places
and times.
i know logically
no-one knows this is happening
accept me
i know
breathing is the most
important thing
i must do,
but the crowds
the small spaces
the words
demanding i deal with it
and grow up
make it worse…
what i want
is to be held
to be wrapped up
and whispered the words
“i’ve got you,
you are safe…”
rising up
into light
breathing in
fresh air
helps
but mostly
acceptance
is the key…

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knowing
this is something
i cannot control, only work through
and that 6 million people
suffer from panic attacks-helps…
i know 2.7% of the population is minimal
but for me
it is as real
as the wind
the sun
the ocean’s calling…
my onset was at age 25…
i had lost my mother
had no self esteem
felt unworthy
and lived in fear
of exposing
my true self
and my faith…
i have managed it my entire life
but at age 42
i gave it all to God
knowing
with Him
i can do this…
yes!
i still have them…
yes!
they are still consuming
yes!
i still feel like running
screaming, crying…
but
they are shorter
softer
and end
always with a prayer
of thanks…
you won’t know when i am having one
you won’t feel the electric current
running through me
all you will see
is me,
smiling through it all
knowing
this too, shall pass…
and yes,
God has my back…

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