having faith and crazy at nautilus teachings


how do you stop
missing someone
who you loved
who has died?
do you just wake up
one day
and WHAM!
there is no longer
a big hole in your heart?
does the scent of them
just one day
blow away in the wind?
or their image…
how does that work?
you just stop remembering
what they looked like?
the feel of their hug?
sound of their voice?
one day
you will just wake
up and say,
“i’m good…”
pain will disappear
you will walk with
a spring in your step
and you will no longer
feel as if a piece
of you is missing-
it does not happen that way
and it never will…
even time,
does not help
and only makes it worse…

understanding loss,
why God has taken
our loved one home
is way out of the
human league.
what God wants
is for us to trust him
to rely on our faith
to give it all up to him
and allow the slow healing
of his grace
light and love
to encompass us
to roll
in the soft
turquoise waters
being washed
of our sins and forgiven…
life does
ebb and flow
just like the tide
we have super high moments
and incredibly low ones
but it is important
for us to find the balance
the center-
what it needs
to be
is faith…
what and who do you
believe in?
i am not here to
force my faith on you.
what i want you to do
is think
for yourself.
i want to know,
do you really not believe
there is not one thing
greater than the
human race?
don’t you ever get
a feeling
you are surrounded
by any super powers?
maybe you think
we just evolved from apes
and when we die
that’s it?

i am not a scientist
i am just this
artsy, creative soul
who loves to teach and write
i believe in heaven
because i have
felt God
my entire life
i have felt a strong hand
guiding me
cradling me
a soft voice
speaking to me…
when my mom died
29 years ago
i thought i would
never recover…
i rebelled against
life for 15 years
but i never left
my faith
because it was all
that sustained me…
i chose a living hell
i chained myself to it
having two
beautiful daughters
i love so much…
i begged an abuser
for the whole time
“don’t leave me,
i’ll do better…”
i lived side by side
and held the devil
every night while i slept
and when i rose
i would cradle my
guide them
raise them in the church
work to be
the perfect mom
but inside
i knew
i was wrong
and i never left,

i did not believe
in myself
and even though
i prayed
and talked to God
i did not
ever give it all to Him
i was hurt
and mad
that He took my mom
from my life…
how do you
stop missing someone
you loved
who died?
you don’t
ever stop.
you place
your pain
within the hands
of God
and believe
one day
you will feel
their soul
kiss yours again,
you will know
their presence,
you will feel their love…
only this time
you will know
for eternity
God joined you,
and really,
is there anything
more amazing
than that?
for me,
i left the abuser
took my kids
changed my entire life
for the first time
am truly happy…

every day
i pray
talk to God
and listen
for His guidance…
i am a believer.
whatever you are
i hope
you too are
immensely happy
and have
or something
you believe
in to sustain you,
you will find me
floating in His waters
painting His images
living my life
knowing i am a child
of God,
and that
everything else
in my life
has been provided
i don’t need millions of $
nor fancy homes, cars
or vacations
i have peace in my soul
security in my faith
and the knowledge
my mom is beside me.
i do talk to her.
angels do exist for me.
you may think
to create art
means to be crazy
alone forever,
you may not understand
my commitment to
my faith
and my crazy,
but i hope
you can at least admire
my total
commitment to it,
and if not