having no fear at nautilus teachings

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“why can’t you
just move on?
why can’t it
just be over?”
was asked of me
recently
by someone i love
and respect…
the answer
“i was formed
within a fissure
a crack
a cavern.
while life
around me
swirled
anger
silence…
i was only buoyed
by faith
and my
mother’s love…”
there was a divide
between
what God
put me here
to do
and what
i was told
to do…
i was born sick
and my brothers
decided
i was their target.
how does one
get over that?
being
sat upon
tackled
called names
scared
to even move?
when one
finds corners
and closets
as safety,
what does all
this mean?
and how
do you
overcome
the fact
that you
were told
from birth
you were
a mistake
you were
unloved
unwanted
adopted…
can one
just get
over it????
NO!

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if my first decade was
without my mother
i would have
not survived…
how do you
not understand this?
one basic truth-
SHE loved me
protected me
and saved me…
you sit
in your perfect
little world
and judge me
when you
absolutely
have no right…
am i angry?
NO
i am deeply hurt…
i will say it again,
NO,
i cannot and
will not
ever get over it
i am forged
from it,
it is the center
of every memory
thought
drawing
writing
and breath…
you cannot
possibly
ever understand
or walk
within my
footpaths…
you were allowed
to run free
laugh
make choices
have a voice
and be embraced
by your entire family…
you had it all
while i missed out…
i accept my life.
i have forgiven.
why can’t you see this?
why now
so many questions
when you
already have been given
the answer ?

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my teen years
were spent
protecting my mother
watching my brothers
total disregard
for family,
blessings,
for life…
their wild
partying, drinking
smashing cars
running away and
verbally assaulting
my mom
imbedded memories
i can never erase…
we were on a
first name basis
with the probation officer
mom would sit
crying in the dark
my father would
yell at her,
punish her
tell her she was a
horrible mother
i can still hear him scream
“if you were a better mother,
this would never have happened…”
so again,
i ask you
why does it matter
that my past
is opposite of yours?
why is it
you cannot fathom
life is
imperfect
and most people
have stuff to deal with
ugly truths
words
feelings
abuses
to name a few…
yes,
we are both aging
but my life
will never reflect yours
because
you came from
my dream world
and i came
from
depths
you could never
possibly imagine…
i have mended.
i have all these
stitches inside,
healed with
golden strands
of my faith…
i have let it go
i have forgiven
moved on
but i chose
to release
all the hurt
and not
renew relationships
with those who
did the shooting…

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i don’t need them
in my older years
to reminisce about what?
what mean and hurtful
shits they were,
how they never wanted
me in their life?
NO
it will always be with me
because that’s what i
was formed of…
a sculpture of metal
is always going to be metal,
even if it is melted down
and poured into
a new shape…
the core of who it is,
is metal…
so i ask nothing of you
but to understand
i am not like you,
we will never be similar
and i will
always, always, always
live within the knowing
i am only here
because
God has a plan
for me
and
my dear
beautiful friend
i love so much-

is it not time for your acceptance of me?

‘Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’
Isaiah 41:10

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