HIS calling at nautilus teachings

there is a window
in the darkness
of the night,
in the cracked
awakening
of morning…
inspiration rises up,
calls my name
and says,
‘now…’
it’s not a whispered now
it’s a loud booming
God is pissed
‘NOW!’
i’m not frightened
but curious.
i wipe the sleep from my eyes
grab my robe
throw my hair up
in a clip
make a steaming
rich cup of coffee
and walk barefoot
to my tiny studio…
i light a candle,
say a prayer
and sit,
waiting…
i slowly sip my morning
country roast
close my eyes
breathe in deep
and then
HE
is
there…
i know what this is about.
i have not painted
for almost 15 months.
blank canvases
are stacked and waiting…
brushes standing firmly up
ready for me to grasp them
dip them in brilliant colors
and begin…
‘i can’t do it.
i have nothing left, Lord…’
i pause
wait
breathe
sip
and then
tears…
i find all my frustration
aggravation
excitement
and anger
that has been building up
during this time
is bubbling up
and flowing
rapidly…


my hands cover
my eyes
my body is trembling
and
i
want
to
scream…
normally
these are moments
when i am given words
and images
when i am in quiet conversation
with God
computer and journal open
releasing every thought
and painting He gives me…
it may seem odd to you
and you may think
i am hallucinating
but these awakenings
have been flooding
my soul
since i was small…
i remember it as far back
as three years of age
and by 5 they were continuous…
these are the times
i choose to be alone
allowing no noise or scent
into my world
i lock myself in a room
refuse to answer
still myself at the sound
of footsteps
and wait
for my
breathing room…
but today
i am wiped out
exhausted
my tired is tired…
i finish crying like a big baby
blow my nose
and hear a slight knock
on my door.
it’s d,
this i know…
i stand
open the door
to my handsome hubby
who immediately wraps
me in a huge bear hug
and whispers,
‘bad dream, babe?’


the boys are beside us
tails beating the walls
and their bodies
doing their
‘i gotta pee mommy dance!’
i stay
in d’s warm embrace
take in his scent
and hear God say,
‘this is your one life, sheri
don’t give up…’
there
it
is…
the words He has
filled me with
my entire life,
‘don’t stop, sheri…
you are safe…
i have your back…
trust me…’
we all have black holes
we fall down
mountains that appear
too big to climb
canyons we cannot leap across
or tsunamis drowning us
from time to time…
the last 15 months
i lost myself…
with d’s surgeries
and long recoveries,
mom being up and down
and having to move her
twice,
the hurricane,
my business slowing down,
our kids moving here
the wonderful birth of our grandson…
i have been engulfed
in our life
and i lost track
of me…
thankfully
every now and then
God was giving me nudges
and i was drawing
and writing down
everything…
but on this day
BAM!
God
woke me up
and called me out…
what do we do
when we get lost
knocked off our footpath
lost without direction?
for me
i
pray.
it is always what
sustains me
keeps me buoyant,
but when we find ourselves
faced with the inability
to heal a loved one,
pulled in a million directions,
faced with decisions
we are not yet ready to make,
big changes,
loss….
we need to pause
still ourselves
kneel at the feet of God
and just know
He holds us in the palm
of His hand
He will never let us down.
we need to accept this
and live in the knowing
we are not in control…
there is a window
in the darkness
of the night,
in the cracked
awakening
of morning…
it calls your name
beckons you
to open up
your soul
and answer
the calling,
His calling
into the life
you were meant
to live…