his interior life at nautilus teachings

outside he depicts
habitual life.
he’s married
with children,
holds a job that
pays the bills,
goes to church
and from afar
appears average.
he could lose a few pounds
drinks a bit to much
angers easily
is a master
at verbal assault
and when that doesn’t work
he uses
his hand, a rope, maybe a knife
to make his message clear
of you…
why does he do this?
make you feel as if you are tiny?
as if you carry the plague?
why the bullying approach
to marriage, fatherhood, life?
he lives an interior life
was raised in the
60’s in a family that
swept everything under the rug
and walked away
refusing to acknowledge
that maybe
he needed some psychological help
and at the bare minimum
his behavior needed to be
talked about
he needed to be heard
and accepted
but that was just not the way
of life then…
in society today
is completely accepted
young people are united
they are unafraid to be
exactly who they know
they are,
they embrace each other.

i can still remember my daughter
years ago saying,
‘mom, we don’t see color at all…’
i loved this
because being a child of the 60’s myself
i heard prejudice spew
across almost every mans lips
i encountered.
i can also remember
my 9th birthday party….
i invited my closest 6 friends
one was asian, one was black,
one was special needs
two were goofy boys
then me and my bff.
i never thought anyone was different
nor did my mom.
i don’t remember seeing color
or differences either
because my mom raised
me to love everyone.
he- was not so lucky.
at 12 his life
inside his head
was so alive
that the gravitational pull
to retreat into himself
completely shutting out
the world
through alcohol and substance abuse
while he dressed in female clothing
rooted deep inside
a need for a private world
no one had access to.
he became a great liar
and teller of stories
could look you straight in the eye
without flinching
while he unraveled the most
intriguing stories
all 100% bullshit-
but the listener
was clueless.
he could wrap you up
in such a tight cocoon
you actually fed off of him
as he mirrored back to you
your pain, happiness, struggles…
he could actually get inside you
without your knowledge
or invitation.

this is the mind of a
twisted sociopath
and narcissist.
she fell prey to him
finding herself
dangling from
a pendulum
by a tiny fraying thread…
his words stripped
her of all worth
the ropes he tied her up with
drained her strength
the knives he held
at her throat
and threw at her
from across the room
taught her feared obedience…
the older her grew
the bolder he became
bringing his addictions
inside the family home
and locking himself
in the furthest bathroom
where he felt safe
completing his rituals
while the family
vigilantly slept
down the hall.
one night she felt brave
and knocked
then pounded on the door
for him to reveal himself…
when he did
dressed in her clothes
hot and sweaty
his words slapped her face
as he revealed,
“when i am in here
i feel ‘godlike’…
i leave my body and become
the image in my head.
i feel complete possession
of ‘her’
taking over me
‘she’ empowers me
making me feel invincible…”
in the 60’s he began
crossdressing in
his mother and sisters
bras and panties…
30 years later
he lived a double life
and she and her children
were trapped…
after many years of marriage
he was able to strip
her of all self esteem
and voice
until this day.
she stood looking at him/her
turned her back
and walked away.
the next morning
he was gone.

she changed the locks
filed for divorce
fell down to her knees
and begged forgiveness…
while he
traveled to the southern most
point on the east coast
stepped out of his truck
and started his life
as her…
he did live a full life
as a woman for a few years
landing himself in jail
a few times
and eventually
a 3rd rehab
which worked
long enough for him
to wrap another woman
in his twisted, sticky web
of lies an deceit
and reconcile with one
of his children
who slowly opened her heart
to him and believed
he was fine…
can people truly change?
with proper medication
and counseling
can they carry on
fairly normal lives?
he chose no.
he chose himself
leaving behind
any chance at a
semi normal life
and crushing
his adult daughters heart…
do you  love
and embrace
everyone regardless of
sexual preference
political views
religious affiliations
whether they  are vegan
gluten free
can eat everything
what car they  drive
what school they go to…
we are not to judge but to go on
living our truths, being kind,
forgiving, loving, growing, believing…
we are not expected to live in fear when faced with harm
we need to find the strength to walk away
finding our selves and family a safe place
when my phone rang to hear her broken voice
screaming for help from across the miles
my response was, “go to any church for sanctuary…”