hives & death rattle at nautilus teachings

 

hives!
i get them
from my food allergies
and stress…
i get one on my left knee
one on my right elbow
tiny ones on the middle
of my lower back
and one on my
right upper backside of my head…
weird,
i know
but this is what
happens
and they never
truly go away,
they house themselves
under soft
pink scars for when
i am in the safe zone .
once aggravated,
for whatever reason
they begin to itch
and weep blood…
i hate my aging
thin
easily torn
bruised
sliced
with a multitude of
tiny brown spots
and an occasional big one!
just add in my
crepe skin
which is not dry at all,
it just kinda looks
like worn leather
or laugh lines
all over my body!

i have accepted
aging gracefully
by taking good care
of myself,
exercising
eating right
yearly dental
and doctor visits
as well as
the dreaded
every 3 years~
because i have polyps~
colonoscopy!!!
i can do this
i cheer myself on
as my hips
ache each day
wounds take a bit longer
to heal
my vision
resembles the
linda evans lense
they used when
taping her on dynasty
but for the most part
i am very grateful
for so far
being pretty healthy

until today

i dropped off
our grandson at home
and scooted out
to see my beautiful
mom in law
that i love so much…
when i approached her room
her roommate was sitting
outside in a chair asleep
and there were no lights on…
i peeked in to see mom asleep.
i softly walked in
and was overcome by
a horrible odor
and moms clattering
breathing…
she opened her eyes
and said,
“Oh, my sheri, my sheri,
how are you?”
she always greets me
this way and it makes me smile
she has been such a gift
in my life
since i met my d 12 years ago…
she is so full of stories
and kindness,
not to mention
she loves the F word
and i give full credit to her
for teaching me to use it
in every way possible…

today,
though,
she did not smile
nor did i
i stopped quickly
after i heard
the
congestion
in her chest and throat…
the doctors call this
the death rattle…
‘mom, what’s wrong?’
‘i’m fine.
they checked me
i just have the shits
and fluid in my lungs,
but i have no fever.
i will be fine.’

again,
she
did
not
smile
and
i
did
not
get
close
to her…
i
did
not
hug
her…

i was afraid
i was a coward
unwilling to comfort
the woman i love so much
because i was overwhelmed
with sadness
and the memory
of my mothers death…

during the last week
of her life
the nurses would come in
and periodically
drain the
death rattle
from my mothers lungs
while her body shut down…

if you’ve never heart it,
it sounds like
their lungs are filling up
with fluid
and they are drowning…
hearing this today
mad me sad

again

no one wants to die alone
and technically
she’s not ever really alone
but she is mostly
just within her self
praying over and over
for God to take her home…

we pray also
for the grace and love
of the God
we believe in
to gently lift her
into His arms
and welcome her home…
but
this
will
take
time
and i hate seeing her
in pain
in darkness
and silence
all
alone…

it was just a mere
7 years ago
she was delivering
meals on wheels
but now
she is bedridden
with great blood work
an extremely sharp mind
still funny as ever;
however,
she’s been throwing
TIA’s for a few years
and this has just
sucked the life out
of her
as well as her ability
to do almost
anything…

enter
my
hives
who i have
this love/hate
relationship with.
on the plus side
they warn me
when i eat something
i had no idea contained
an ingredient i am
allergic to
they alert me to
calm the fuck down
go for a run
meditate and pray
a bit more
and
they
signal
something else

i
am
not
handling
aging
as smoothly
as
i
thought
i
was

at this very moment
the boys and i
are on our front porch
while the sun
is preparing to set
it is warm out
but the chill of death
has me in a sweatshirt
which is weird
because i am never
cold
due to my thyroid disease

but right now
as the warm wind
blows
the lowering light
in the sky
prepares for sleep,
i look forward
to seeing the moon
and stars…
tonight
on this balmy evening
in january 2018
i am going to pick one out
and wish upon it
to give my
beautiful mother in law
her wish~
to go home to God