hurricane shredding at nautilus teachings

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his words
rip
through
my
silent calm
like
a hurricane,
shredding
the
bandages
which
guard memory
and
release
an earthquake
to encompass
my whole being
shaking me
to the core
and allowing
the question
to enter
one more
time….
“why am i here?”
“is this love worth it?”
all at once
the flooding of tears
pours
from
ducts
nearly dried up
and sprouting
God’s healing love
and the balm
of my faith…

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crying
weeping
shaking
my chest
pounding so hard
my ears reverberating
loud ringing
from his
voice
his words
his ugly
his weakness…
teddy in hand
squeezed close
catching each drop
of pain
as he has done
for my whole
53 years of life
comforts me
and cradles
me
sending me back
to the protection
of the red wooden steps
i curl up upon a blanket
and let myself
cry through
my pain
i hear myself
sigh
and catch my breath
knowing
as strong as i think i am
i am still human
still a feeling soul
still not willing to take
a beating
and keep coming back
which is where my
introvert kicks in
and i plan escape…

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sell my car
get a van
pack up my dogs
my few must haves
and go
anywhere
just away…
and then my mothers table
dances in my mind
and i see her weeping
at this table
and i know
i cannot leave it
i cannot leave
her suitcase
my colors
and i breathe in
and out
the unraveling
of stitches
and give it
all
to
God…
then warmth
sweet melodic
words
of kindness
soothe my soul
cradle me
rock me
back and forth
reassuring me
i am living
a true live
a life of love
in love
and
that
even
the strongest
man
breaks
open
from time to time
and that
i should
breathe in and out
the song of the Lord
that

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” amazing grace
how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch
like me…
i once was lost
but now am found,
was blind
but now i see….”
and as i
find myself
coming back
into my broken
body
i know
i am loved
i forgive
i accept
his weakness
and i embrace
his apology
knowing
if he repeats it
over and over
i won’t sell my car
i will
rent a truck
pack up my colors
my mothers table
my boys
and silently leave
never trusting again
and living
only
through
my faith
with God
as my father.
i close my eyes
to slumber
and look
forward
to the birth
of a new day
new beginnings
and love…

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