imagining fear at nautilus teachings

IMG_5003

my skin is vibrating
my heart is racing
my hands are shaking
for the person
i allowed to destroy
my life for so long
is near
not hunting me down
not contacting me
not even caring about me
and this is fabulous
but i still
am looking over my shoulder
anticipating confrontation
ready to pounce
to protect
to defend
i am out of the house
running errands
making certain
his eyes are not upon me
his lips cannot reach me
that there are places to hide
and people to engage with
if need be
i feel crazy
my skin is buzzing so much
i actually feel numbness
tension is piggybacking me today,
leaving me
feeling fear
breathing fear
sweating fear…
i arrive home
safe
nothing has changed
although i imagined it would,
boys are asleep on the sofa
soft music playing
house is clean
i unpack,
change laundry
eat my lunch
and begin to settle
i am alone
accept for the boys
they sense i am unraveling
and are perched
on windowsills watching
waiting, protecting…

mommy is sad
mommy is sad

i place my hand in God’s
and am encompassed
in tiny goosebumps
of faith
the fear and pain
in my body subside
yet i still crawl into a corner,
teddy in hand
and weep…
this fear
is imagined-
a flashback
of memory
was given birth
inside my soul
because of a fact
he
is
here…
as the sun goes to sleep tonight
i will restlessly follow several hours later
rising to run
to breathe in a new day
knowing
i
am
strong
through
my
faith
and my truths
will always
set me free…
and if i am ever
attacked again
i know to
say inside my head,
“breathe, count to 10, breathe
are they worth your anger?”
the answer will always be
a resounding NO,
the challenge:
to respond with silence,
turn
and walk away
with faith as my shield.

look up
look up