is enough, enough? at nautilus teachings

how do you know
when enough is enough ?
when to walk away?
what is your breaking point?
continued in her miserable life
for almost 15 years for many reasons:
she felt worthless
she had no voice
she was weak
she did not want to be divorced
she stayed for the kids
she stayed because
she had no idea who
she was or what she wanted…
after her second daughter was born
her second husband
won the lottery
just a few million
but enough for them to both
quit their jobs
and move south.
they bought a house on the sound
in the OBX
she painted the inside of their house
the colors of the sunset
so every night her house would glow
she spent days putting beautiful mosaic floors
painting bar stools
getting the girls and Nicholas settled,
all the while
he sunk into a deep depression…
she opened a book store
in memory of her mom
who loved reading
and taught sher
how wonderful it was to escape…
she was still writing
and painting on canvas
but nothing seemed to work
it all was forced
the real images
her truth
was bottled up inside her
refusing to come out…
he was high or drunk
most of the time
many days he left early
and fished til dark
she thought this move
would be like their honeymoon again
with no pressure to work
they could just do what made them happy
obviously their choices were opposite…
within 1 1/2 years after a long day of
his over indulging in too many drugs
he had a psychotic break
he called the police
on himself,
landing him in a mental institution
and of course sher was blamed…
“what is wrong with you?
this is all your fault…
get him out of there right now…”
what had happend?
why had he turned to drugs?
gone off the deep end?
she knew their marriage was
not the best
she also knew he had been struggling
with something
since she met him.
he denied anything being wrong.
refused to go to counseling.
the kids kept her busy
she was saving for a divorce
when he won lotto
because she did not want
to be called a gold digger…

but now
after the move
when he laid upon the sofa
drunk or high
when he refused to talk
or would disappear on his boat
or in his truck for days at at time
she began to leave him.
at first it was the pool guy-
he made her laugh
loved her kids
was kind
and loved to talk and listen…
a few months later
her husband found out
hit her with his fists
as she lay upon the
carpeted steps
trying to protect her face…
he was mad.
she knew she deserved every punch.
he left.
she packed the kids each a bag
started stashing cash
and waited to leave…
what was she waiting for?
why didn’t she grab the kids and just go?
in her heart
she knew
she had no place to go.
so, they stayed…
a month later
at the football field
in their car
while their daughters
ran around outside laughing
their son on the field
warming up for his game
as the sun shone
birds sang
and life whizzed by
he began…
“listen. i’m not mad at you. i forgive you.
this is about me…
when i was 12 i started wearing
women’s bras and panties
then i started taking my moms pills
to get me high and take away the shame i felt
that led to drinking which was easier to get
than any drugs…
my whole life,
up until i met you was about this.
i was 1 year clean when i met you.
i stayed clean until after molly was born
but i cannot deny who i am…”
looking out the window
this is not about me?, she thought to herself
right there a huge burden was lifted off of her…
the next day
he had his psychotic break.
was it her fault, really ?
she knew that.
her infidelity
led him to finally
tell her his truths
and as he sat in a padded room
drool cascading from his lips
eyes barely open
as the counselor
spoke to both of them
she felt sad…
who was this person she married?
what was she going to do now?
as she walked out side after their session
and began the hour drive home
her mind began to wander
soon she heard her mothers words,
“sheri, even the broken deserve to be loved…”
she cried the rest of the drive home
called her own counselor
revealing what had transpired
in the last week…
“well, sheri, i have one bit of advice for you,
get the hell out of their with your kids
as fast as you can…”