it’s ok to be not ok at nautilus teachings

have courage dear
have courage dear

almost impossible

is how it feels to be around
everyone.
i want to check myself in
to a place i can
be not ok,
where there is no label.
i want to sit in a room
with just paint
canvas
paper
and pen
not worry about food
water
or any person
needing me
and
break wide open
i want to
live within my pain
my fear
my irreparable self
and for it
to be
ok.
just me.
alone
where i feel safe
accepted
loved
forgiven…
for feeling settled
in this maddening world
is a struggle for me
the noise imposes upon my
silent stillness
i work so hard to maintain
which leads me back
to asking
would you please
drop me off somewhere
that i can be not ok?

but mom who's gonna feed us?!
but mom who’s gonna feed us?!

i need to find my “self”
the place where
there is no anxiety
no punishing conversations
no questions
that need answering
i don’t want to end my life
i want to begin it
there is a difference.
shedding of the old
to find new
when all i really need
is to fold into
my “self”
and listen
to the
slow humming
of my soul
the calling
so clear
I step forward
in strength
through
faith
knowing
there
is
air
to
breathe
and that who i am
is
o.k.

google says its ok to be not ok, mom
google says its ok to be not ok, mom

i know who i am-
i am a girl of the blue water
who swims with mermaids,
colorful fish and wise old mr. hawksbill.
i have blue paint
that runs through my veins
and speckled dots
in a myriad of turquoises and blue
cover my entirety with safety
i have yellow bubbles of air
that float around me
and many corners to hide
when i am overwhelmed
sad, hurt or needing stillness
i am a writer of words
sharing my story
with those who will listen
hoping to help just one person at a time
i am a teacher
of colorful expression
who’s life is graced
with the most beautiful ladies
and children
inside my tiny bali studios
i am a painter of truths
of magical
whimsical
colorful words
which spill effortlessly
upon canvas
for the world to see
i am silly putty
always pulling, stretching, molding
myself to fit
the proper mask.
I am glued to my faith
the light from the cracks in the stairway
attached to me when i was small
allowing my tiny shell
to be filled with grace and energy
trusting guidance
in my silence.

IMG_4992
I am a mismatched puzzle piece
which fits nowhere
and can blend in anywhere
i am a patchwork quilt
with golden thread of my mothers love
i am the busy hands
which create a world
i am suited to live in
knowing the critics and the nay-sayers voices
will always be louder
than my wailing from pain
and so once more
i beg you to answer me,
will you drop me off
in a place it is ok to not be ok?
will you allow me to pour
like silky warm liquid
of my essence
into the shape
i am truly meant to be
i am a lazy clear blue river
filled with colorful fish
i have lily of the valley lining my
curves which play
soft musical notes
as i flow
effortlessly
from sunrise
to sunset
in and out
of the
ocean blue
with pieces of me
scattered along the
shores of my life
a place where it is
ok to be not ok
is
my
truths.

if you stay we will be good
if you stay we will be good