journey into her part 2 at nautilus teachings

 

everyone’s life begins
somewhere with someone
in this case
to the little girl,
somewhere=pain
but
someone=love
the only way up
and out
was through the
continual protection
from her mother
for without her
apron strings
her arms wrapped around her
and her repeated
seeking out the child
to make sure
she was
out of harms way,
was to make sure
the child new
with God
she
was safe…
traditions
beliefs
rituals
we
learn.
going back
to the beginning
to where all these
broken circuits
attached to her
would not erase
the memory
she knew.
what she was looking for
was finishing it
closing the chapter
if not the book
on her low self esteem
self worth
and delusional belief
that she was a mistake…
she spent her entire life
thus far
going to church
teaching faith to her
now adult children
only to end up
still plugging herself into
the wrong men
living in huge fake houses
built upon dishonesty
filled with the stench
and filth
of false reality…
truth be told
her life
was a big, big lie
she’d been building.
since first memory,
it was so fabricated
she believed
her rose colored world
was the only way
the normal way
the right way
to live and love…
she truly thought
being called ugly names
ignored
pinched
hit
and controlled
was not a weakness
but the foundation
upon which marriage
fidelity
and respect
was built…

the journey into HIM
through her
taught her all of this…
she knew how to
run a house
cook, clean, sew
take care of
everyone and everything
needed by the family
what she never learned
was to love herself
care for herself
believe in herself
because wives and moms
always came last
no matter their dreams
passions
interests
desires
only after each one
was taken care of
could she then devote
any spare, rare few minutes
to developing
her own self…
this only happened
through prayer
in the stilled silent moments
where her breathing
calmed
her mind cleared
and pain ceased…
she never felt this
listening to
the preachers weekly sermons
for this was when she
wore her ‘everything is perfect’ mask..
nor, in the darkness of the night
while she lie awake
as she was covered in fear
that he would come in
drunk, altered
and order her to rise up
and do as he commanded
which she always did
because that’s what
good wives do…
like a slow
warm bath
filling up a tub
one drop at a time
over the long
years of her life
until it was just about
to slip over the edge
flooding the floor,
this,
this
was what her faith was…
a deep
long
gradual
filling up
but
she always had that line,
the
i’m full
no more
hold your horses
back off
that’s enough
line…
she knew
if she allowed
HIM to take over
everything
her life
her kids
her husband
her world
would then
be
gone
and this
is the fear
that kept
her
shackled
to
her world
of torment….


she loved HIM
all her precious moments
listening
praying
feeling HIS love…
reality was different.
one sunny day as she was
walking from the sun room upstairs
thinking about
changing the laundry
picking up the girls from school
planning the holiday card
she would make-
you know, the photograph of
‘this is the perfect family’
them all smiling
wearing matching clothes
wishing everyone
a blessed holiday,
then sealed with tears
of sadness…
as her feet almost glided across
the soft light grey carpet
his hand grabbed her
pulled her close
squeezing her
upper arms
leaving bruises
she would see
the next morning
and screaming,
‘you whore. i fucking hate you…’
and then the shove
that sent her
cascading like a waterfall
down the steps
landing at the bottom
in a ball
sore
shaking
almost hysterical
until he came at her again
grabbed her by her hair
dragging her midway
up the steps
then holding her down
screaming,
‘i fucking hate you.
you will never see your kids again…’

the journey into HIM
through her
had begun
and this time
there was no turning back
the water was
overflowing
she had begun to float
in healing waters
no pain was to great
to endure
for she knew
HIS light protected her
and guided her
into the most beautiful stillness…
she stopped fighting
she went limp
and he stopped,
confused
curios
so he tried to bait her,
‘awwww, is the little girl playing dead?’
she just smiled…
‘i will fuck you up till no one knows
who you are,’ he screamed
and still
she gazed past him
and into the
eyes of HIM
knowing
she
was
safe…
‘i’m gonna pin your eyelids open
and make you watch me,
show you who you really married,
how about that?’
he screamed
and once more she was still
she stopped fighting
resisted the urge to cry
scream or spit at him…
‘whatcha gonna do, call daddy now?’


he knew he had her
he knew
that was it,
her trigger
he got her hook line and sinker
because he knew
she would never call her daddy!
her softness hardened
her jaw became tense
inside her
a tsunami welled up
and in that instant
he began to chuckle
letting his guard down, slightly
but just enough
for her to
BAM!

first the knee to his nuts
making him release his hold
then the shove backward
with all her strength
landing him at the bottom
of the steps he loved
to torture her upon
as she rose up
grabbed her phone
called 911
he slithered out the door
into his big
bad ass pickup truck
sped down the street
and she
let the tub of her faith
overflow
encompass her
washing away
the rose colored glasses
opening up her heart
to reality…
in HIM
with HIM
through HIM
she was saved…

the journey
back into her
had begun,
she no longer stood in fear
she was strong
not afraid to speak
encompassed by her faith
buoyant knowing,
even as the wind pulled at
and began knotting her hair,
as the clouds rolled in
and her love
grasped her hand
she knew
beyond a shadow of a doubt
she
was
no
longer
SMALL.