journey into her part 3 at nautilus teachings


she closed her eyes
and fell backward 50 years
into memory…
tiny baby steps
padded the bottom
of her feet
assuring her
the path was the same
she was free from harm…
the only way she could have ever
begun this journey into her
was through HIS love…
driving down the familiar street
only to find it barricaded
and under repair
stopped them short…
‘we need to turn around
and go down a different street…’ she said.
her eyes wide open-
‘wait…first i want to take a few photos…’
the two of them drove an unfamiliar road
just three blocks north
and when the pavement ran out
there before her
was her park…
it still was beautiful
mostly empty
but her feet itched
needing to hop out
run, skip and race
towards her favorite spots…
the steps of the pavilion
the tiny bridge
where she used to watch the swans
then finally the small
where the lagoon
emptied into the underground tunnels
beneath her home town
which would lead her
to the upward path
of home…

the journey
back into her
through HIM
with loves hand
only a arm’s reach away
she stood up
followed the mapped journey
in her mind
losing all connection
with everything
accept time traveling…
snapping quick pics
moving way to fast
she knew this was
a blip on the radar screen
of her life…

she ascended the old hill
she use to ride her bike down
took photos of some old houses
and then
711 linden ave appeared…
large bushes were planted
in the front of the home, now
hiding part of her glassed,
images of her youth…
a tiny man sat
smoking and drinking on
the porch she used
to swing upon…
she maneuvered her camera
making this unknown person
invisible in all her shots…
she wanted to walk the driveway
but it was now empty of
lilacs, lily of the valley
and the weeping willow
her dad had planted one summer
so long ago…
there was no happiness
no life
everything stood still,
for her to see
and know
this place
is not who she is
her mother is not here
her journey
into her
through HIM
cut off her air supply
leaving her
not with sadness
or remorse
but with release
one by one
she felt
the pieces letting go
she watched the boxes flatten
the caged memories
she looked around
kept walking
came upon her best friends house
stood before it
breathed in
as her vision cleared
her heart settled
and she thought,
‘this cannot be…
where are the green vines
that covered the house?
the fenced back yard
with the circular above ground pool
they jumped in every summer?
what about the porch swing
and the beautiful garden…’
slowly she turned
kept walking
taking photo after photo
until once more
they came upon the barricade…
she stood looking down
the steep grassy hill thinking,
‘where are the grape vines?
who’s house is that?
where are the wilharms? dusells? smiths?
who are all these people?’
at that moment
she wanted to scream
to cry out,
‘mommy, mommy
i’m home…
i’m back for my hug
and a warm cookie…’

her mind wandered to her closet
her safe haven
for all those years
and then it landed on
her best friends house again…
she strolled over
stood before it
and knew…
all these years of sadness
of shame
of ugly memories
of anger and pain
for 45 years
the weight of it
lifted up
and the girl smiled…
they walked back to the car
hopped in and
drove to their hotel…
all the familiar roads
were tiny
all the colors brilliant
cows were munching away
horses galloped
wildflowers grew…
how had she missed all of this?
all those times
she kept coming home
she never felt this before…
after dinner
they fell into a deep sleep
rising early with the morning sun.
she glance at the man she loved
who looked as tired as she felt,
‘i need some d time,’ she said
‘ok, honey…’he replied
he sat quietly and listened to her
recount the day before journey
into her past…
every now and then he would
say a few words
but for the most part
he already knew…

her journey
back into her
through HIM
was a success
he was waiting for her
to say those few words…
she unraveled
after memory
the lightbulb clicked on
inside her head…
she stopped
looked at him
he smiled
she smiled
and she said,
“i am no longer small!’
they both giggled
then with every ounce of love
he held for her
he said,
‘that’s right, you are no longer small…’
‘oh my gosh, ‘ she screamed
‘i have become ALICE’…
happiness and joy
wrapped around her soul
warming her from inside out
then she looked up
to the heavens
and prayed,
thank you for my life.
i will no longer drink their poison
and shrink down.
i will not be the nail
to my fathers hammer
i will forever be filled with gratitude
for the beautiful mom you gave me
who taught me to live
in faith
with faith
through faith
no matter what life
throws at me…
Father is is through her
i found YOU
and it is through YOU
i will live out the rest
of my days…

hand in hand
she and her love
began their long day.
they sat in the cool air
drinking coffee
eating breakfast
smiling ear to ear…
they helped set up for the wedding
tying strings on floating flowers
hauling booze from
garage to back yard
laughing with her cousins
while they all anticipated
the beautiful ceremony ahead…
after the vows
laughed and chatted
sharing memories
making new ones
they all
and every now and then
he would pause,
take her hands,
look her in the eyes
and ask her,
‘are you small?’
grinning ear to ear
she would shake her head no
smile  and reply,
i am no longer small
and from now on,
you can call me Alice!’