jump run or walk at nautilus teachings

she does not jump
she does not run
she walks away…
never in a hurry
willing to accept
continued abuse
punishment
hatred
anger
silence
she waits…
she is not looking
for the right time
she is waiting
for him
to change
to love
apologize
listen…
year after year
she makes wishes
hopes for the impossible
wears her masks
to every public function
so no-one knows
she is sad
hurting
depressed
suffocating
drowning
in the tidal wave
that keeps
crashing down upon her
no matter which way she turns
or how many times a day
she prays
it just
keeps hailing
all the broken pieces
of what
she calls her life…
she never yells
screams
bosses people around
she cries
hides
and becomes quiet
knowing on the day
she will leave
she will have no regrets
she will pack up her
few belongings
her two dogs
and drive off
never looking back.


life has made her hard.
on most days
she barely feels her heart beating
fills the emptiness
with numbing
whether it be silence
hiding
alchohol
or sleep…
her favorite being
darkness in bed alone.
she does need to leave him,
necessarily,
what she really wishes
is to leave herself
the insecure
filled with fear
never thin enough
sometimes stuttering
extremely introverted
controlling
ocd
woman
she has become…
in her twisted mind
she believes
she is getting everything she deserves…
not smart enough
nor accomplished
she has spent so much of her life
lost
feeling abandoned
licking her wounds
that the only thing she truly
became fluent in
was giving
loving
caring
and being lost…
it was as if she hoisted her sail
set a course
and all her boat did was toss and turn
floating aimlessly in the
ever changing current
which endlessly
slammed her back upon the shore
making her begin
over and over again…
once in a while she gets tired
of walking upon eggshells
in the knowing
he will enter
and she will have to be silent
almost subservient
instead of looking forward
to his return
being able to kiss him
as he enters
have a conversation
sit at a table and share a meal…


but instead she begins
pulling inside herself
so as not to upset or aggravate
him
making him so mad
he would yell
once more…
how can she go on balancing this madness?
her heart loves him
and most of the time he is calm
but still not interested
in conversation
only television
decompressing
being left alone…
she does not jump
she does not run
she walks away…
and at this moment
in her aging life
she is preparing
to walk.
suitcase
hidden
packed
starting to stash cash
researching
where she can hide
wondering
can
she
leave
him?
is
it
really
that
bad?
she knows
he is good
kind
loving
but the older she gets
the more difficult it is
to deal with his random
bouts of anger
and she wants to be at peace
light a candle
have a glass of wine
and welcome him home
to dinner
together
at their table
where they can spend
just 15 minutes
sharing…
so you understand
she is standing
at this precipice
in her life
does she hang on
or does she leave?
for now
she endures
because
she believes
he too
will soften
listen more
understand
that all she really wants
from him
is time…