lead my life at nautilus teachings

30 years ago
this july He took her home
and although for three
minutes of my life
i was mad at HIM
and screamed hurtful things
up to HIM
my faith
the center of me
the core
of who she
taught me to be
knew
this
was
not
HIS
fault,
it was just life!
for most of this long span
i was lost
searching
for who i was
where i belonged
what i should be doing
and who i would give
my heart to.
i stayed firmly planted
in my church family
raising three kids
in the faith i grew up with
loved
and trusted.
my first two children
embraced it like
soft butter on a warm biscuit
but my third
from first drop off in the nursery
when she was 6 weeks old
screamed out in defiance.
I still remember being in church
listening to pastor bill’s sermon
when a young woman approached him
he paused
listened
looked me in the eye
smiled
and said,
“Sheri, you are needed in the nursery”
first i felt panic
then embarrassment
upon arriving in the nursery
i was greeted with
‘she won’t stop screaming,
we are so sorry’.
i picked her up
and still she screamed.
nothing was working
so i took her outside
in the fresh air.
as soon as the church door
bammed shut
she smiled
and cooed.


this scenario repeated itself
every week.
pastor bill,
who was like a father to me
and my mentor
called me on the phone
after week 4,
“let’s have breakfast”
over pancakes and bacon
we talked about faith
and as we were nearing the end
he gently said,
“i think your youngest is not
ready for nursery.”
i smiled. nodded and decided that day
she would stay home
and her father
would have to miss church
until she was ready.
she never liked church
not sure if she ever believed
i know today she just smiles
and rolls her eyes
at the mention
of the bible, religion
or God,
i’m not even sure
pastor bill,
if he were alive today
could convince this young beauty
there is a God.
i believe HE is everywhere
that no matter what i am doing
HE knows.
many times during the day
i stop and thank him
talk to him
cry to him
and when i wake up
at night
as i do
at least 3 times
all i need do is say
the Lords prayer
and I am immediately
back in dreamland.
HE and i are connected,
just like she and i were,
and although she
is now with HIM
i know
she knows
everything
about me.
whether this is truth
or not
i just don’t care
because it is my
belief
she
knows.
when i get to hold my grandson
i look him in the eyes
and whisper
papa angels, grandma sue and grandma angels
are with me
they are hugging you
and loving you
through me…


i love his tiny expression
when i whisper to him.
i could probably whisper
the garbage men are coming
to pick up the trash today
and i would still get this
response,
yet my faith
teaches me
otherwise.
i carry
the memory
of all the angels
surrounding him
and one day
he will hear stories
of all of them…
30 years ago
this july He took her home
50 years ago
i was wandering
through the church
as a child
with her
always holding my hand
guiding me
teaching me
faith.
i will share my faith
with my grandson
as well as my colors
and stories.
i will listen to his tiny voice
when he finds it
filling me up with all
his stories.
we are meant to share
those values we hold most close
with those we love.
i sing to him every week
nursery rhymes
raffi
Jesus loves me
and all kinds of songs
we will teach him to pray
read him stories
from the bible
just like we will read classics
like good night moon
and guess how much i love you.
every sunday
when i rock my grandson
a peaceful calm
comes over me,
one i have never felt before
a deeper knowing
that HE is in control
of not just my life
but everything.
yes, i have always known this
but now
as i rock away
looking through
eyes of the granny
that i have been gifted
to become
i know
she is at peace
she is with HIM
she is home
but more important
they are living
inside of me…
as the day closes
and i fall to my knees
in prayer
wrap my hands
around my own set
of big Jesus hands
i softly whisper,
“not now Lord,
i still have words
to write,
images to paint
hands to hold
and now, tiny eyes
watching me.
guide me, oh Lord
be in every thing
i think, say, do, write, cook,
create.
lead my life
and fill me with peace…Amen”