letting family go at nautilus teachings

when she was
raped at 17
her father said,
“you probably deserved it…”
when her first husband
threw her against the wall
ripping her shoulder tendons
her father replied with,
“what did you do to deserve that?”
when she told him
her second husband
had abused her and the children
her dad said,
“what’s wrong with you?
you are just like your mother!”
year after year
she answered his calls
always hearing him say,
“gee, i don’t know what is wrong
with your kids, but they never call me
or answer their phone…
what’s the matter with them?”
that one she would always
just let go
turn silent
because it was always followed up with
“are you ever going to get a real job?”
that is how she felt
complete scum
a mistake
she knew
she should never
have been born.
was her father right?
was everything just her fault?
she was full of shame
she carried within
the burdens of
never being enough..
her whole life
her father confirmed it
with his words
and now they were etched
upon her soul.
year after year
she worked to feel clean
to live a good life
to be the obedient wife
a good mother
and for the most part
she was happy

yet there were many mornings
she awoke
to terror inside
her skin would feel tingly
breath would be labored
the veil had fallen
while she slept
so she knew this day
she would have
to climb her way
up towards God’s light.
on these days
it took nothing to
shove her back upon the bottom
which for the most part
is where she still felt she belonged
and wanted to stay…
“why can’t people just leave me alone?
if i am truly no good,
if i deserve anger to be taken
out upon me
or am to be taken advantage of
then why am i here?”
then the tears
and the memories
would flood her
beautiful big brown eyes
and once more
she is young
being ridiculed and picked on
by her two brothers
her mom is crying
her dad is screaming,
“you are a failure as a mother…”
and then she hears his words
“you deserved it,
what did you do?
what is wrong with you?”
she is one weeping
beautifully broken mess
laying upon the
polished wood floor
covered in snot and tears
hair all tangled up
she feels weak,
she is encompassed
with the knowing
the feeling
the blush
and assurance
of God’s hand
cradling her…
she feels the rocking movement
the serenity of her faith
strengthening her.
she is upright
washing her face
blowing her nose
fixing her hair…

the boys come running towards her
tails wagging
tongues licking her
the door glides open
and her love is there
“oh, baby…tough day, huh?”
he asks her
then he pulls her close
holds her
assuring her
her phone buzzes
“hey mom, just thought i would
see how you were, i was thinking
about you all day…”
the front door rings
and she opens it to her
beautiful friend
who is smiling wide
hands full of flowers, saying,
“hey you, i have so many flowers blooming
i thought you would love some…”
then they are hugging
having a glass of wine
the words
the memories
will always
flood her
she will always
have to fight
to not give in
the older she gets
the tougher it is…
she breathes in a big breath
heaves a sigh of relief
then looks up towards heaven
and whispers,
“thank you, God
for always having my back…”
she knows without her faith
she would be lost
maybe alone
for sure without love
she also knows
she is enough
she is strong
full of the colors
of God’s
unconditional love
and forgiveness…
this is her job
her gift
to give to the world…
face clean
lips smiling
she steps