life is a hard lesson at nautilus teachings


one day
it all hit me
i literally broke open
accepting that
Life is a hard lesson…
it fell into my world
At a time in my life
When I struggled
To accept
That I am good
or worthy…
I wanted to rid my life
Of all the corners
I hide in
I wanted to heal the wounds
With super glue
So I never had to feel the pain
I wanted to plant gardens
Of beautiful lilac bushes,
Lily of the valley flowers
And soft yellow daffodils
So I woke to a fragrance
That washed away the stench
Of the filth I floated in for so long
I wanted to learn to play the piano
So I could sing myself home….
I just could seem to paint my way out
I wanted to fill my world
With the knowledge
That I am enough…
A week of reflecting
upon my life
Has reinforced in me
The fact that
I have not yet healed
I have been walking blindfolded
Deaf to my own words
My own preaching
Of inner peace
And my lack of ability
To breathe through anxiety…
I carry with me
The stains of my youth
The mistakes of my adulthood
And the regrets of my life so far.
I can easily express hurt
In my photography
In my writing
I allow pain to wash over me
And carry me down the streams
Of what I cannot undo
Outwardly I smile,
I love,
I give
Vibrant colors surround me
They fill up the empty canvases
With childish images of my immature self
Do I really want to grow up?
Do I really wish to heal?
Or do I feed upon my memories
And cherish them because they fuel
My creativity,
Am I looking for the easy way out?
What have I learned in the past 5 years?
do I still crave more knowledge
Of my craft, my life, my family…?
Home is a very very hard lesson for me
during my life, I wish to be able to
Smell the school bus yellow tomatoes sweetness
That sit upon my counter each day until I eat them
I want to lie in the soft grasses and smell the baby sprouts
Growing up towards the canary yellow sun that warms my world
I want to step into the ocean
One baby step at a time and begin to feel
The healing waters I write so deeply and passionately about
I want to begin to write the story of my heart
The good story
The one that cradles me at night
The one that warms me in the brisk wind
The one that sings when I look into the eyes of the man I love
Or sit and listen to our children speak of their grown up lives
I want to sit in silent awe at the amazing grace
All around me and bloom…
Not for the world to see
But for me
So when I stand in front of the mirror each day
I feel proud of who I am
I feel washed of the sins of my past
I feel thankful for all of my life
I feel the love which is so freely given to me
And most of all
That I was not a mistake…