life…..then and now at nautilus teachings



what is your
very first memory
your first dream
the flavor
or scent you recall
the most,
or maybe it is a feeling,
a person,
a special spot
or even something
as simple
as riding your bicycle
hands free
as the wind whipped your hair…
what about diving into
a cold swimming pool
holding your breath
and pretending you
were a fish, mermaid, sea turtle…
take a moment
let yourself
twirl back,
way back
to the days
of childhood
when life was simple
and you felt no fear…
Young beauty
Standing on the corner
Sunlight upon your hair
Gazing up towards the pool blue sky
Cotton ball clouds bouncing by
Dreaming of one day
Getting married in the pavilion…
Unto the town of youth
Large gnarly oaks still standing
Leaves forever green
The wind caresses your memories
Before your big brown eyes
a vine bursting a tomato red pavilion
children scattered amongst the
leafy grasses,
swans floating effortlessly as
You squeeze your lids closed
and are covered in seedlings
each one representing pieces
your past…
you remember home,
Shuttered and grey
Two stories with a wrap around porch
Running free up the steps
And flinging your small agile body
Onto the white washed porch swing
Slowly you float your head backwards
And belly giggle about nothing at all…
this was what freedom felt like
this was innocence.
you stare at the house
that was once your home
your safe haven
the birthplace
of your imagination…

the front porch is missing,
this reminds you of loosing your front teeth.
The flowered garden of your mother’s
the place she spent hours in
planting fragrant flowers
Now holds a full sized cement barn
Cold and barren there is no life
You sit on the small step, rub your hand against the paint
As tears flow quickly upon the wrinkled hands
Which once held life so freely…
back then
It was as if time would stand still
That chocolate malts would always make you smile
Quarters would buy enough candy for a week
Silence was a mere knob turn away
Scents filled your entire being with warm chocolate kisses
Bubble baths were journey’s into dream land
And fresh sheets smelled like sunshine
Beauty still stands across the street from your old home
There are no children riding bikes
Or playing hopscotch on the sidewalk
The lavender lilac bushes and linen white lily of the valley
Have been replaced with weeds taller than a fence post
The memories are still in tact
As you walk the neighborhood: the streets of your soul palette
you feel sad
like a huge piece is missing…
you know time moves on
places and people change
this leaves you feeling blank.
this was how this life began for you-
Cracked, scarred, blurred and broken…
knowing this
was what happened to your tiny angel wings…
Saved by the imagination of youth
You were able to breathe in the colors of life
When all around you
Sewage flowed and dared to drown you
yet now,
45 years later
as you stand
before the house
that was your home,
you feel released
Like beautiful white doves in flight…
Whimsical images in brilliant hues
Transformed the memories locked inside
As the strokes of your brushes
Gave birth to the realization that you were good
That from your lips and and your fingers
Flowed the pure and simple truths…
has your life come full circle
can you release
that which has tethered your soul
for your entire life?
in doing this
does this mean
you say goodbye
to your mother
stitch up the open wounds
inflicted upon you
by your brothers
and silent father
still flowing
feeding pain
to your entirety?
this is how you feel.
able to make choices
which feed your soul
happiness and joy…
you twirl once more
just like a child
fingers pointed outward
smile upon your lips
feeling all the beauty surrounding you
the warmth of your mothers hug
smell the flowers of your youth
taste the baby grapes growing
on the vine on your
favorite hill
and you know
you feel it,
tears slide from your eyes
as you hug yourself
knowing childhood
is never gone
it’s always
and for this gift
your are eternally grateful…