life’s journey at nautilus teachings


The journey
After life
Is a journey
Back to the womb
To the warm,
All encompassing
Environment from
Which we first started life
Inside our mother
Yet, can we truly return?
We are not given a choice of parents
Of hometowns, lifestyles and religions
In which we are born
We are thrust into it all
Some into riches
Others to poverty
Each of us defined by the parameters
Which we fist scream out
“please don’t rip me from my protected shell”
There is a time when our world is black
When the rising of the wave harshly contrasts
Against the soft silky melodies of our life
When the musical droplets of crystal blue
That warm, soothe and welcome one home
Is nothing more than the clanging symbols of remembrance
Painting is my drug of choice
It cools me when I am wrapped in anger
It warms me when I tremble with fear
And it soothes my very core with symphonic notes of tranquility
The buzzing feeling of laying new color to canvas
Takes my breath away and leads me on my quest to pull forth
Images conjured up as a child in my disco ball closet of colors
Born under the red wooden steps
I allow the cracked pieces to be melted together with each stroke of paint-
pass after pass of warmth
until once again I find myself covered
in the gauzy white glow of healing powers
Why would I want to change that?
I cannot exist in this world without my palette
On some days I still feel as if I am walking
Through someone else’s life
That my steps of timidity are a reflection
Of the cautious treading of my small feet
Through the tumultuous, raging midnight waters
Of my childhood
I see myself slowly moving alongside what I have
Come to know as my earthly being
I stand outside my self and peer inward…
A feeling of displacement surrounds me and
I am wrapped in questions
Why here?
Why me?
Did I choose the right slide
To slip down when my time
Came to be born?
Could I have taken a pass
And chosen a different journey?

Emerge along the arched hallways of memories
My chest rises and falls with each image
I am drowning in self pity, shame and low self worth
Demons float around me, golden hands wrap me
I am hurled backwards and fragments of “me” splatter
Against stark white canvases
Which now lie before me
Do I want them to change?
Is something different going to be better?
Would I still be an artist? Writer? Beachcomber?
This tremor causes a fault line to emerge
And I sit on the crumbling steps across from God
And ask one question
“am I a mistake?”
I first discovered the magic and beauty of corners when I was a young girl trying to escape the daily abuse from my brothers
I created my underwater world and my dreams took flight
I cried, sang, laughed and drew here
What if I did not find them?
What if My mother’s love was missing
What would my brush have been?
the images swimming within my head
Came to life here
Would they have disappeared?
Would I have needed them to survive?
My corners of my childhood
Have softened themselves into island coves
Each memory healed with release onto canvas
Is now a living, breathing, thriving pace
I know I can journey to any “cove” and find my way back home
I am tied to my coved memories
I no longer define my self as a lowly, worthless
Waste of human flesh,
I inhale the beauty of the sparkling champagne sun
And know love lies hidden amongst
the crackled colored leaves of my childhood
It thrives in the strong strokes and black edges
Which define my art
I no longer have to sit in the silence of the holy night
And wonder, “when will the healing begin?”
I can set sail any time I choose and
Allow the gentle hand of God to guide me through my storm
And into air and light
I stopped banging into walls and began to feel
For the very first time
And share the colors of my soul
Which I have carried so long within…
In changing my past, the connections, the journey’s
I hence would alter my future
This begs the question
would that be a bad thing?
I search my soul
I walk the sandy shore
I look to the sea
I twirl under Orion my guiding star
And smile
And for the first time
I love
My colors begin to multiply
I am unfurling
Right before my own eyes
Knowing that which I hold dear
That which has held me back
That which I have dreamed
And has encumbered me
Is all who I was meant to be
I am not a mistake
I am a gift
It just took me a long time
To awaken
And breathe into my life
The love that was given to me
I came from the water
I am fed by the ebb and flow of the tide
And to the sea
I shall return
A beautiful dolphin
Dancing at waters edge
For generation to see…
No matter where I was born,
Raised, died
I am a child of color
With a soul that can sing
Anywhere she is placed…