living a lie at nautilus teachings

we are born sinners.
living a life of obedience
does not mean
you are without sin
but it does mean
you become very good
at hiding,
not just yourself
not just your voice
but in some cases
double lives…
no one is perfect
and striving to live a life
of perfection
will cause you to be
anxiety ridden
and full of stress…
sher’s body was in overdrive
she had lost so much weight
before the wedding
that her strapless bra
slid down to her
ribbon tied waist
during the ceremony.
before her
they disappeared
into a empty meeting room
peter had apologized for
being too late to stop the wedding
she walked back to her reception
and greeted her mother with
“I was feeling so faint
i sat down in the quiet
for a few minutes,
i think i need to eat..”
no one really noticed she was gone
this made her sad.
sher’s heart was heavy
but she had just
obeyed all the rules
and was now married.
peter had left her with a
long passionate kiss
and said,
“i will see you in a few months
for the sorority weekend?!”
oh, shit!
sher nodded
and then put on her
Mrs. mask for the
very first time.
even thinking about
committing adultery
is a sin.

here she was
married to the wrong man
obeying her parents wishes
in a room of people
who loved her and BHBEG#1…
as she walked towards the table
where BHBEG#1was
she heard the best man
and another groomsmen speaking,
“BHBEG#1 could have done better…”
this hurt her, yes
but she held her head high
and decided
i can
make this work!
a long honeymoon
which was lovely
led them to beginning
a new life
peter still called
they still wrote
he was engaged
and wanted to see her
one last time-
the sorority trip was on
was she  now
going to commit a sin?
as luck would have it
her mom became ill
right before her
‘sorority reunion’
and she did not go.
january came
with another trip to the hospital
and then the diagnosis
giving her 6 months live.
pete wanted to come see her
to hold her
she said no.
he married that spring
and was soon going to be a dad.
sher thought,
‘maybe if i am pregnant
this will give mom a reason
to fight to live…’
she was soon
expecting her first child.
dory was over the moon
was not.

he was not ready
he wanted a better job
to buy a house
save more money…
the time flew by
peter and sher
every now and then
but they were both
starting families
her son was born
her mom was still alive
and life was ok.
worked long hours
making good money
they were building a house
but there just was no like
in the love…
neither one of them
really liked one another
and it was proof
with his absence
be it work
or up north
with his folks…
sher did travel with him
on those weekends north
but soon stopped
as she spent the time
with just her son
while the “boys”
golfed, skied and played cards
the girls were expected
to cook, clean
and chat.
right before sher’s birthday
peter called.
“hey schultz.
i would love to see you…”

‘what about our spouses?’
“they will never know.
i can send you
the sorority letter
we used in the past…
what do you say?
ready for a weekend away?”
for the first time
in a long time
she not only smiled
but butterflies danced
in places that had not
in years…
her mother was having
more bad days than good
but her father still insisted
mom was going to live.
so sher drove
to see peter,
leaving her son
with his dad.
she felt 18 again,
his crooked fingers
and soft hands
traveled to familiar places…
they laughed
and talked…
is what
she wanted,
and missed-
never talked to her
only told her what to do
where to be
what not to do…
the two
this would never
happen again
it was their final goodbye.
as sher packed up to leave
peter held her tight.
“we cannot do this again.
it’s to hurtful to our spouses
and children…”
‘i know…’
they both shed a few tears
then got in their cars
he drove north,
she south.
she stopped at her moms house
only to find out
mom was getting worse.
she said to sher,
“dear heart, come over tomorrow
so we can talk…”
that night the holy spirit
visited sher
the next day
she drove over
opened the front door
and found her mother
unconscious in her bed…
what was running through her head?
is God punishing mom
because of me?