loss vs lost at nautilus teachings

love loss
or
love lost?
the brother i deeply loved
yet barely knew
fell away from my life
as opposed to
i lost my brother
when he divorced
his first wife
and left the whole family
behind.
my loss
of him devastated me
because i was young-
18-
i knew what a divorce was
yet did not understand why
and he offered no explanation-
or maybe he did and i cannot remember.
i had never had a sister.
this woman was tiny
and funny
and drove a Leggs truck
when i knew her-
remember the pantyhose
in the eggs?!!!
they drove a yellow sports car
her father gave them for a
wedding gift.
they lived outside sausalito ca
and i got the gift of spending
the summer of 1979 with them.
my brother
who is tall, hairy, has
the biggest brown eyes,
just like our mother
is soft spoken
super smart
and kind,
not to mention 11 years
older than me
i saw him as my protector
because he watched over me
when i was small,
babysat me until
he left for college
and when he found his first love
i got to be part of their wedding…
i felt loved with him-
more than i ever felt from
my father
or my other two demon headed brothers
who picked on me daily.
I remember eating pizza with them
in a small cafe
rollerskating down the hills
and just being part of
their life for a few weeks.
my brother took me to cut
off my long hair,
he gave me the strength
to break up with a bad
boyfriend
he let me see
dreams
can
come true.


so when i was
a freshman in college
he made the trip to tell me
about the divorce-
which looking back
i see how hard it must have been for him
to tell his little sis
his marriage was over.
i don’t remember how i reacted
but i believe i was upset
and did not understand
the loss of my “sister”.
after all, my parents
had fought their entire marriage
so i could not understand
what could be so bad
it could not be fixed!
(Ha! if only i knew then
what i know now about love…)
my brother flew home to ca
eventually got remarried
had kids
and built a wonderful life
which holds true today
except he lives closer
to me now.
somewhere along the path
of his new journey
i lost him-
for good.
If memory serves me correctly-
i went with one of my other brothers,
his two young girls
and my father to
their house for easter.
we had a nice visit,
my son was less than 2
mom had passed away.
in the conversation on the
way home,
evidently i said something
about his wife being a kept woman.
which was repeated by my nieces
in their 10 year old version-
so who knows what that was!
i remember the conversation
vaguely
and to this day i stand by
what i said in the car
because it’s exactly what his
wife said to me.
anyway,
this loss was not horrible
but it did hurt.
i wanted my old big brother back
but that was impossible
since i was beginning my own
rebellion by divorcing my husband
and starting over as a single mom.
did i lose him
because it was my choice?


i have had several connections
i chose to be lost
cutting the ties
in order to save myself.
the loss of my mother
devasted me
i still miss her today.
the loss of any relationship
besides surface with my father
and brothers
helped to heal my soul
i did this through forgiveness
and release.
i lost my mothers cameo ring
shortly after she died.
losing the ring
was the loss of a connection
between her and i.
it was the one item
she wore every day,
cherished
was worn thin
and i lost it.
i spent 15 years
lost in a horrible marriage
yet when i divorced him
the loss of his presence
allowed me to grow up
and begin finding myself.
loss
lost
lose
anyway form of this word
signifies some type
of ending
in our life
yet for me the most important
lesson about all of this
is to never allow myself
to get lost in any one person
to never lose sight of my passions
dreams and goals
and finally that loss happens
to us all
whether we like it or not
will i lose those dreaded
15 lbs that seems glued
to my butt, thighs and hips?
probably not.
will i continue to get lost
in the use of words
and throwing paint
upon canvas?
always.
would the loss of someone i love
be something i can heal from?
slowly, of course.
as we age we lose pieces
of our youth
we let go old beliefs
embracing new
we release pain
and find comfort
in the balm of wellness
we bind ourselves
closer with our faith
knowing
there is no loss
in heaven.
the loss of
those we loved,
we will meet again.
we lose memory
of any sorrow and pain
and only feel
unconditional love
forgiveness and healing.
love loss
or
love lost?
you decide.