loving chosen pain at nautilus teachings


the tear began
welling up
day after day
in her left eye…
she believed
she was handling
the sad news
revealed to her
a week ago…
she was sure
this was not going
to send her spiraling
back down those
red wooden steps…
the minute she heard
she turned it over to God
and every time it crossed
her mind-
day or night-
she said the Lords prayer
and gave it to Him,
willed Him to take it,
begged even
to just release her
from the inflicted pain
which was about to
repeat history…
this time it was chosen
by the someone she loved…
she knew she must
remain in silent vigilance
praying for a miracle
and if not that
then protection
and knowledge
to be passed from her body
to the young soul
convinced ‘he had changed’
going back because of loneliness,
lack of faith.
not wanting to start over
and live a life she dreamed…
every day the tears pooled
slowly leaking down her cheek
making her nose tingle
and her body want to cry out
to pick up the phone and scream
“what is a matter with you
are you an idiot
you never go back to what broke you
you are better than him…”

she knew the only answer was silent love
she would put on her masks
something she vowed never to do again
once burning them 12 years ago
but for this one person
she would fake happiness
laugh when she wanted to cry
nod when she wanted to scream
bend when she wanted to break
and then when alone
with just her own self
she would fall to her knees
and ask God to for the strength
to endure this falsity…
she tilts her head toward
the morning light
feels the now familiar tear
and hops into her car…
she would continue
living her truths
she loved her life
and if she was being told
by someone she loved
that it’s none of her business
and they will do what they want
marry who they want
then ya know what
she would paint on
a smile of faith
stand tall and proud
and tell her
‘i love you’
and pray,
trying hard to believe
he had really changed…
but in reality she knew
abusers always
show themselves
just give them time…
oh, Lord have mercy
on us all.