mean girls at nautilus teachings

what is your breaking point?
do you have a long fuse?
i have always hated anger
because my life was so filled
with it being hurled at me
that i had come to
never even flirt with it-
oh sure,
once in a blue moon
i could be pushed
and when i am shoved?
look the fuck out
because i become
a
MEAN GIRL!
my disheveled father opened his door
the morning sun was blinding
his hair was a mess,
i had obviously caught them both
getting ready for the day…
now,
my father is very hard of hearing
which can benefit you sometimes
but today,
it
was
GAME
ON!
for the next 15 minutes
i hurled at him so many
ugly, hurtful words
i told him truths i swore
to my dead mother
he would never find out
and just when i ran out of air,
as he was standing there
looking all broken
mixed up
and confused
SHE
slathering the cream her face
came out
and said,
“oh grow up.
we all had hard childhoods…”
WTF
and who did she think she was?
i had welcomed her
when all three of my brothers hated her
i stood up for her!
to come to my home
spewing lies about me,
this woman had no idea
what i had lived through
i had told no-one except God!
i lost it.
i began to cry.
i told my father
what all three people said to me
that his wife said,
he did not speak
he mumbled
stuttered
and then
HER
“oh, that’s bullshit. i never said any of that…”
WTF?
ok so now she is going to lie to save face
to my father?
fine.
arguing would do me no good.
i was glad the two of them had one another.
i said to my father,
“i don’t ever want to see you again.”
stormed out.
drove home
had a drink
waited for d
and cried like a toddler
throwing a temper tantrum…


from what i have seen
in my lifetime
people only lie to protect
themselves
they don’t want anyone to know
their truth…
i don’t believe to this day
she was truly out to hurt me
and i know, i will never know why
she said what she said
or all of what she said
but i did write her this letter-

I hate that your words scream
Inside of my head
I hate that I let what you said
Make me feel so small
Make me recheck my memory
And question my beliefs
And values
Since you married my father
I have been nothing but kind
And loving
And giving to you
How dare you come to my home
And throw up vile
Lies about me and my life
How can you sit at a table
With me and my family
And say I was a bad mother
Why would you even care if I was a jesus freak?
How would you personally know what I say
Think, feel or do
You have never been granted full access to my heart
You are not my mother
But I gave you the right to be a grandmother to my kids
You are hurtful
Mean
Pathetic
And as
Taylor swift would say
A liar
Leave me out of your conversations
You have successfully destroyed what little relationship
I had with my father
I can no longer walk into his home
Or hug him
Because you may be lurking in the shadows.
What you said to my mother-in-law, my daughter and my friends
Will never be forgotten
Your daggers wounded us all
And as my daughter said to me
“that was some pretty twisted shit mom, what is wrong with Grandma?”
Deny
All you wish
Live in your world
Of ugly
Gossiping
Ways
I find it hard to believe my mother called you a friend
She would hate you for the things you said about
Her daughter
And the lies you told
My mother knew my truths
My mother held me
My mother protected me
You
Are
Not
My
Mother
And
I hate
you…

did i feel better writing and sending it?
YES!
did she read it?
probably not.
for years she deleted
every email i sent to my father…
so i wracked my brain
why oh why
did she hate me?
my oldest brother said,
“sheri, she was always mean.
i remember her as a kid
being ugly and mean to everyone…”
this was not helping me.
sure, i remember her being a gossip queen
every time i saw her,
but i just tuned her out
walked away
did not care what she was saying…
this time it was about me, though…
i remember at my wedding to my crazy ex
i sat upon my dads lap
and was telling him i loved him
when she came onto the deck and
screamed,
“oh, you two, get a room…”
then she laughed.
it
was
so
odd and mean…
sugar land says it best…

Well, I ain’t a mean girl
But I’ve known a few
They’ll make you cry, baby
And then blame it on you