memoried life at nautilus teachings

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i am swimming against the current
every hue of blue
wrapped around me
my hair tangled in memory
as the sea grasses reach up
to pull, tug and plunge me into
the depth of memory…
bubbles rise all around
as i pop, pop, pop each one
allowing them to release air.
i find myself splattered in
turquoise, egg shell blue
brilliant yellow
and wonderful healing colors
of my youth
of a time when my mother
walked this earth
encompassing me
with unconditional love
and healing…
i am now twirling
as the pull of the cool water
lulls me into calm
to peace
a place of forgiveness..
i am in the knowing
of my imperfections
my flaws
my scars begin to itch
as i scratch the scabs
from pieces of me
i thought were healed…
because i do still hear the words
i do still feel the pain.
i know what i have allowed
my children,
now grown
to watch, listen
and see-
what love is NOT…
i cannot undo my past choices
i cannot take away the sting of memory
nor undo what they have
thought to be truth…
i dip down into the low pull
of the undercurrent of remembrance
knowing the addiction
to pain
to falsities
remains
deep seated
poison which
runs through my veins…
stench drips
like an IV
i wish to yank from recollection…
as i watch the splattering strong stream
of the naked truth
reveal itself…
i am not enough
i have failed
imperfection surrounds me
i have hurt
damaged
even scarred
those which i love the most…
no excuses
no conversations
no amount of explanations
can even condone
my words or behavior…
no explanations
except i am human,
flawed
vulnerable to the
knee-jerk reaction
to deception,
indecision
and weakness
to those i love,
who continually
insist on placing themselves
in a situation of
the hands of damaged people
who embrace debasement
allowing pain to be the soothing balms
which encompasses their soul
allowing them the illusion
that they are loved…
we live
and relive our past…
we blame ourselves for the
weaknesses of our children
never accepting the fact that
as adults they have the choice
as you once did,
to forgive
to accept
and to release
the pain of memory
and embrace
the beauty of flawed imperfections
our parents possess…
we cannot change their choices
we cannot begin to understand
or think as they did
we cannot even embrace the possibility
of one day-
this may be us…
we do not want to repeat the cycle
we push forward with confidence
that we are planting new seeds
we know better
we are better
and our offspring
will not succumb
to any weakness their parents had
for in doing so they will
admit failure
to become better,

stronger, even wiser
than that which gave them life…
as i play back the movie
of memoried life
there are blank spaces
forgotten pieces
but a knowing in my heart
coursing through my blood
i always did the best i could
i hold no regrets
i am human
i am flawed beauty
but i am also
a woman of faith
of acceptance
filled with the power to forgive
and each arrow that is hurled my way
may hit
and blood may weep
but my scars
are all woven with the golden tapestry
of scripture
and unconditional love
given freely
from God.

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