need verse want at nautilus teachings


the sign reads,
“my family has some
pretty twisted roots…”
i think to myself,
i then glance up at our newly
beautifully trimmed oak trees
which line the canal
behind our home…
parts of the bark are missing
from the sea grapes that fell upon them
and literally beat them
and broke them.
this one particular branch
looks almost red, raw, bare
naked even
there is no protection
as its skin in missing.
yet the end of the branch
is tiny, slim, almost weak
with tons of fresh green leaves
beckoning the sun to nourish them
it’s as if they are screaming out
‘i am here, feed me…’
my eyes wander to the
cut off at the stump sea grapes.
once they were this beautiful canopy
dropping green balls for us to
twist our ankle upon
slip on or
force us to yell,
every time we stepped upon them
sending shooting pain
into the bottom of our foot!
over the past 10 years they
were not neglected
but ignored…
we just let them be
as we trimmed all the palms
planted new seedlings
added elephant ears on either side
we just let their shade
be exactly that
a door to the water…

hurricane matthew
helped change that.
this year
life for my d
has been a challenge
with his two surgeries
he has not been able to be
my yard boy,
let alone my pool boy
and i,
having a black thumb
and no desire to vacuum a pool
strolled by all the weeds
stirred the debris in the bottom
with a long brush meant to clean it
and tried desperately not to hear d say,
‘honey, i need you tooooooooo…’
which brings me back to
the weather beaten branch
needing a coating of
protective love-
it’s not that i do not feel loved
or needed
in fact i feel overly needed…
what i wish is to feel
for wanting to ask
for a week
an island
nothing but
waves crashing
sun shinning
a cool drink in hand
the whole of me.
but i feel like the new buds
all shiny and new
‘don’t you get that i am
bone weary tired
and in need of
my own healing balm…’

does d get it?
he does
he has offered for me to
fly home
to see my friends
or family
but i want more.
i want to be selfish
i want a sailboat
or a remote island
i want
i want
i want…
i think about all the new buds
on the branches overhead
then i glance
at the stumps we are trying to
turn into compost
with evaporated milk
and time-
lots and lots
of time…
the wind picks up
and blows my hair
tying it in knots.
i smile
gaze up to the sky
and say,
‘yes, God, i know.
this is all enough.
i don’t need more,
it is a want…’
for my whole life i had
carried around my
very own barnacles
and then 12 years ago
when i shed my skin
just like the branch
i let the healing light
and love of God
and my faith wrap me up
cradle me
lead me
down the path
of my souls calling…
do i need to really escape?
i just want to.

ok, ok, ok
i think to myself
i will light my candles
and let the healing balm
of my faith
bring me to peace once more
at this time in my life
i truly am needed here
for so many reasons
and that dream i have had
my whole life
‘running away..’
will have to stay stashed
in the old blue suitcase of my mothers
which sits upon my desk
in my home studio…
‘ahhh…i think to myself
i suddenly understand
why she stayed…’
because leaving would have
meant i too was just an old stump
that needed to be left alone to rot
and i did not want that at all
i just wanted nourishment…
i looked up to the open
big blue sky
which was no longer
blocked by the wild growing
sea grapes
or the broken oak branches,
fell to my knees,
invited God to take
control of my life
as i do
over and over
and felt His love
encompass me,
only through my faith
it’s ok
to be the bud
wanting to be fed,
it’s just not ok
to cut to the head of the line…
“patience and faith is what the sea teaches,
patience and faith…” Anne Morrow Lindbergh