old rose at nautilus teachings


who doesn’t remember
the movie,
“the titanic,”
Old Rose, saying
“it’s been 84 years, and I can still smell the fresh paint. The china had never been used. The sheets had never been slept in. Titanic was called the Ship of Dreams, and it was. It really was.”
i loved that movie,
but more important
i loved old rose
and her memories
because this is me
thinking about my mom,
“it’s been 29 years, and i can still see her smile. her hands
which were always giving, were now still. her breathing labored
as she fought death. she was my best friend
and i had to say goodbye to her
it was the toughest thing i ever did,
it really was…”
so many friends i know
have lost their moms
and when we are together
we talk about how tough it is
to live a life separated
from our moms…
every year i think to myself
this year it won’t hurt
i won’t cry
or miss her more
and then i look in the mirror
at my aging self and think
just like Old Rose,
“the reflection has changed a bit…”
the older i get
the more i look like my mom
and i love it.
i see her hands
painting on my canvas
her tiny wrinkles
gathering at my eyes edge
and i know,
i just somehow know
she is always with me
i feel her around me
i know she sees me
sometimes she meets
me in my dreams
other days
her scent will float in
making me look up
and around
hoping to catch
a tiny glimpse of her…

on the 19th of july
29 years ago
she last opened her eyes
raised her arms
and gently held me
as i bid her
to let go
telling her
“it was ok to die…
God is waiting…”
and on
July 20th 1987
she took her last breath…
those are words
i hope you never have to say
to anyone
but if someone you love
is hanging on
it is so important you release
them to God,
that you whisper in their ears
“i love you
thank you for loving me
i will see you in heaven
go home to God,
please let go…”
it’s been
29 years and
i miss her
it still seems like
it was yesterday
she died
but i know
in my heart
she is home
waiting for me
to one day
hear my own child
“mom, it’s ok to die,
God is waiting
and so is grandma…”