owning your life at nautilus teachings

 

 

“own it, heal it, change it”- wow love this
-“stay a learner”-yes always

motivation is around
every corner
you just have
to be open to it,
commit to bettering
you!
you can believe
every diet plan
power bar
trainer
the latest quote
or viral meme
just look at fb
people are
always trying to get
you to try their product
find your inner peace
or try their exercise routine
they all believe
their
way
is
the
only
way…
what happens
when you bite?
take the bait
and
you
fail?

do you own that?
blame them?
yourself?
think,
i just can’t do this
i am no good
and beat yourself up
then sit eating
ice-cream and chips
on the sofa alone?

what happens
when
we
fail?
when we let it all go
give up
give in
and lose
any and all self confidence?

if i were to unravel
 and let the shadows
come out 
i would risk 
loosing control of me
 and maybe my
 patterned life-
i love routine
i am not a
fly by the seat of her pants
kind of girl,
i don’t do impromptu well…
i love knowing
every day
at a certain time
i wake
eat
sleep
exercise
meditate
teach
learn
paint
write
pray…

is this bad? 
and what happens 
if i like the
 shadowed part
 of me
mory more than the 
“seen me?”

hyper-vigilance
should be my middle name
i am über sensitive
to everything
from sights, to sounds
to smells…
to much of one thing
or the wrong mixture of another
heck, even food,
my body
automatically rejects
reacts
and screams
‘i thought you knew not to….’

my definition for my rest is-
”peaceful, vigilant sleep”
 knowing i am most vulnerable when i sleep 
and mostly attacked
 during sleep
 or in darkness
i may appear to be
in deep sleeps
but i am also aware
of everything going on around me…
i can dream
and listen to life at the same time
which is probably why
i always wake up
exhausted…
sure,
i can turn my thoughts off.
i do have very vivid dreams
every night
and i stay in darkness 8-10 hours…
it’s like i am made up of layers
and the very top
is a surface current
where my senses
are always circulating
knowing what is going on
from the dog licking his foot
to the wind blowing
to the outside ac kicking on
no matter what sound
big or small,
i know…
i just know…


inside me i feel weighted
to the bed
like a deep water current
slowly moving
never shaking
just a healing balm
of rest…
possessing all of me at the same time.
keeping the two separate
during wake
and sleep patters
causes horrible anxiety
yet somehow
i make it all work
because if i allowed
the crazy thoughts
to interfere with
my sleep
i may risk loosing my sanity.
i have boxed up, locked away ,
packaged and categorized my life
 so i can fully manage 
“me.”
i accept each piece 
for what it is-
mismatched
 and i like 
being a 
patchwork 
because 
it
 gives me 
different
 colored
t hreads 
to 
pull 
from…
but 
honestly 
i seek 
freedom 
from control
 and wish 
merging
 of
 all of me 
so i can 
truly
 sail
 free…
i am this puzzle
a work in progress
only on rare occasions
can i let myself go-
i fear letting my guard down
will open me up
to assault,
be it verbal
or physical
i just cannot
ever
live
that
life
again…
i know
i am safe,
loved
protected…
i know it’s
ok
to
be
me
but
i cannot rewrite my history
i cannot erase
my reeled
memory of pain
so i box it up tight
allowing only
snippets
of it to
unfurl
in moments
when i am
completely alone
and i know it’s safe…
there it is-
i
never
feel
safe.
WOW