pain, acceptance, forgiveness at nautilus teachings

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pain washes over me
like a tsunami
flattening me
pinning me
to the bottom
i am struggling for air
yet i cannot even tell
which end is up
i am suffocating
because trust was broken
love was tossed overboard
and as i watch
what was my life
float away
i know i am not whole
pieces of me
are missing
the ones i held as truths
were revealed as lies…
how many masks did he wear?
how many people did he fool?
and why would he lie to me?
was every memory false?
i gasp for fresh air
and suck in the sewage
of my reality…
i must begin again
i must uproot my life
this time
the foundation
being my faith…


i breathe in a tiny
yellow air bubble
and catch a smidgen of calm
my eyes return to those
of me when i was a child
they are water filled
i am on my knees
praying to God,
“please, make me a fish so i can swim far, far away…”
a small patched part
of my soul
feels wise old mr. hawksbills
tethered cradling movements
in the warm turquoise waters
of my youth…
i hear the seagrasses singing
i open my eyes
and there are millions of tiny
kissing fish
encompassing me
with healing tickles…
i begin to twirl
as they spin all around me
and together we rise up…
i am ready for acceptance
i know i chose my life
i know i stayed
no matter the reason
i am partly to blame
no relationship ends
because of one person
fault lines can be found upon both…
this is not about who was more harmful
it is about accepting
the finality of
what was an unsettled and deceitful life…

premonition

i begin treading water
hop up onto the deck of my board
and paddle
toward the open sea
exiting choppy water
in search of clean lines
and a new baby wave
to ride
landing me
upon the sandy shores
of  blossoming coves
open, ready
waiting for me
to hit the lip
of life
finding my groove
through faith and acceptance…
i roll onto the sand
and still myself
i must forgive
the burden needs to be released
so i can once more
be filled with happiness
and gratitude…
i press the play button
upon my memory
fast forwarding
over the good
and slow motioning
the hurt…
i let each barnacle
hit me full on
my truths open, weeping
i am a mess
of snarls,
snot
blood
and permission
to heal…
i lay for hours
replaying my life
until at last
i grip the reel
pull out the slotted
pictures of pain
and toss them
into the sea…
i follow
walking slowly
board by my side
i roll onto it
paddle out
and wait…
“Lord, forgive me
forgive him…
i release the relationship to you
and i choose not to renew
this relationship
but to let it float
buoyantly off towards
the horizon…
i place my life within your hands,
amen.”
i turn the nose of my board
toward the sun
beginning to rise,
allow one last tear
to moisten my cheeks,
hold my breaking heart
beneath the palm of my hand,
pop up
upon the deck of my board
glance to the north
and bid farewell
to the memory of you,
knowing flashbacks will happen
but my faith, acceptance and forgiveness
will buoy me
as i ride the cresting wave
back into shore…

look up
look up