part 3 of telling truths at nautilus teachings

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are you locked up
in a world you built
which is unhealthy
which your are embarrassed of?
come with me on my journey
of grace, light, love, energy,
acceptance, faith and forgiveness
as we start with the box we built
to house it all
and begin to release
low self esteem,
weakness
and shame…
i come to you
heart open
with my truths…
when i was 21
i married the wrong guy,
when i was 28
i married an optical illusion…
on the outside
he was tan and handsome
his words were kind
little did i know
he had a whole
attic of secrets and disguise
hidden away…
and when i look back
upon my choice to stay
for so long
i realize
i knew
right away he was good
at storytelling-
he was one of those people
“who could sell ice cubes
to an eskimo!”
i have no true answers
to why he stayed
why he allowed me to
build a picture perfect family
with matching clothes for holiday pics
elaborate trips
white picket fences…
but my guess is
that he had never accepted
his true self.
i know he was never
held accountable for anything

in his life
until he met me…

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and over 15 years
he began his own unraveling
his revealing
through hurt, anger, threats,
to name a few…
the huge box of shame
he lived in
was filled with his truth
here, he was safe.
on that day in the car
he may have begun to love me,
i don’t know
he either hated me
or trusted me.
i really don’t know.
what i can tell you
is his words
revealed my true path
in life
which was away from him
guarding and protecting my children
and releasing to this world
my words and color…
it was not as easy
as it sounds…
many, many, many people were hurt
lies were uncovered
and festered like
an infected wound,
fingers were pointed,
my family was torn apart.
to this day-
11 years later-
he still blames me
for his fall
into his reality,
still believes i have
his personal stuff…
my acceptance of his blame
allowed me to forgive him
gave me a platform to stand upon-
my own truths…
there are always two sides
to every divorce-
his and hers…
you can play the
he said -she said game
all you want
but facts show
we each perceive reality
differently-
just look at the game “telephone”…
my life was like a swirling
tidal pool with so much
floating debris
i just pulled the plug
and watched it all drain away
landing upon the muddy
bottom of life,
looked up to God
and began for the last time
to find myself.
i broke off nearly all relationships
with friends and family
the only ones i allowed
near me was my kids
and my dear friend pastor bill,
who had been my
father figure and mentor
since i was 11.
page by page of memory
was opened
examined
then burned
left to float away
in the brisk wind…

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the smell of him
slowly left.
the image of him
erased.
the acceptance that
15 years of my life was a lie
left me broken – wide open…
you see everything i share
with you now
happened…
and yes, it would make a great book!
but i choose to write the healing portion-
the only truths that need to be shared-
that i have always been
buoyed by my faith-
not religion…
my belief and trust in God
saved me always:
i am my own
living illustration…
if you were to open me up
you would not see my scars,
they have already been revealed
for the world to see…
inside me now
stillness, courage,
strength, voice
confidence, worth
all protected by golden
wings of faith
which reveal
who sheri is…

we get lost in the tethering memory
of pain and sadness
we put our failures
upon a pedestal
allowing it to
teeter back and forth
shadowing us
in shame…
we want to rise up,
to knock the rocking
damaged trophy
we call ‘home’
down…
yet years of dependence
of being fed by inadequacies
of “drinking the kool-aid”
handed to us by those
we trusted and loved
has left us exhausted,
withering,
disengaged
from genuineness…
we question our existence
believe happiness is
unattainable…
washing away the filth,
peeling back the tattered layers
ridden with guilt, bitterness,
anxiety and grief
all takes commitment
patience
and time…
it means we must
accept all of our decisions
the good and the bad,
we need to forgive
and have no expectation
to wake up one day
completely healed
and changed…
we get to choose
who we engage with
who to release
and walk away from
and most important of all
we get to decide
to be happy
to live in gratitude
centering our lives
buoyed by our faith…

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4 years ago i decided
my mantra for life
was to
“live true”
i chose to begin
having the difficult conversations
write letters of forgiveness
and completely disengage
from socializing unless
it was of my choice.
i was no longer going
to be told what to say
what to do
where i would live
i took the wheel of my life
raised up my white sails
let the fullness of my faith fill them
and steer my barnacled self
on down the turquoise
healing waters
into coves
full of love…
i still hide money
in case i am left
having no way to get home.
i still crawl into closets
and cry for hours
and let my disappointment
in myself get the better of me.
i still smell his stench.
hear his words.
feel his fist.
see the knife.
tremble at the memory.
i allow myself
to be imperfect,
human,
normal…
then i pick myself up
dust my soul off
hold my head high
and pray,
“God, I’m ready to begin again,
lead my life…”

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