she knows at nautilus teachings


i am telling you
she is finally
giving up,
it’s not like before…
she could still smile
hold a conversation
do numbers in her head
she remembered everything
but not now,
she is jumbled up
keeps asking the same question
she’s scared
she’s demanding
calling over and over…
the nurses
roll their eyes at her now
she is not here
she is starting to leave
i know she wants
to completely be gone
to stop breathing
to be home
with God
i know, i know, i know
i saw this with my mom
29 years ago…
my mothers doctor
once told me,
“dory will decide
when it’s time to leave
and there is nothing
you can do about it…”
granted she had leukemia
but she fought hard to live
they gave her 6 months
she lived three years
but in july of 1987
she began leaving us
i knew something was wrong
because the Holy Spirit
came to me
told me to say my last words
and like an idiot
i did not
because i was young
and stupid
i believed what my dad said,
“mom is not going to die…”
but you see
that is why i left
for the weekend
when she needed me
the most
and i got sick
and i could not see her
she called
and called me
“sheri, i need to talk to you….”
i didn’t go
because i was so sick
and scared she would die
if i went over
but she died anyway
10 days later…

so now,
when i see her
like this
i think ,
“this is mom, all over again…”
i just don’t know
but it’s all on me
to be there
to know when to say,
“go to her, d and say goodbye…”
tomorrow she goes
back to her assisted living facility
and wednesday i get to see her again
what if?
just what if she is worse?
it’s on me, now…
and i am not feeling the strength
i usually feel
so i just have
to give it all to God
one thing i know for sure
i am not super woman…
but it’s ok…
it really is ok,
because d said its ok
for her to die
he knows she’s miserable…
but if she decides to stay
i am just going to be 150% there for her
rubbing her feet
combing her hair
kissing her cheek
trying to get her to laugh
bringing her ice cream
and just letting her know
i fucking love her to death
and to fucking thank her
for teaching me to use
the f-word
was the one
who dropped the f-bomb
over and over
laughing the whole time
flipping us the bird
drinking her one cocktail
while she sat at our table…
the table my mother
bought with her own money
the table i fought 27 years to bring home

she sat there toooooooo
and this wonderful
funny memory of her
saying fuck, fuck, fuck
whipping out her middle finger
at d
and making us laugh
will remain
ingrained within the wood-
is she finally giving up?
my answer is yes
was the first time
i saw her
look lost
and it broke my heart
i knew i had seen this before
and today
i realized
i had seen it
in my own mother…
the colliding of two
unknown to each other
the same heart
29 years apart…


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