stop beating yourself up at nautilus teachings

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how many times
have you
beat yourself up
over your
lifetime thus far
by looking
in the mirror
and thinking,
“i’m fat.
i’m ugly.
i’m a failure.
i’m stupid…?”
i still hear those words
echoing from
the depths of my past
so many different voices
but in the end,
the strongest
was my own…
or what about
those random
thoughts like,
“this isn’t the life i dreamed…
i wish i would have…
why didn’t i…
if only i…”
i spend way to
many hours
blaming myself
for all my bad choices
knowing the truth
really is
i had no idea
who i was
and i really
did the best i could…
who hasn’t
thought
“i hate my thighs,
belly,
boobs,
my hair is lifeless
and when did
i get those wrinkles…”
um, this is a daily
conversation i have
with myself.
i have always
hated my ‘english thighs’
three babies
and 30 years later
i will always have
my beloved pouch
no matter how
many crunches i do
i purchased bigger boobs
11 years ago
because that was easy
i lost half the thickness
of my hair
when i went through
menopause
and i live by Jimmy Buffett’s words
‘wrinkles only go
where the smiles have been…’

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i remember
4.5 years ago
a friend of ours
took a photo
of doc and i…
the photo
was beautiful
but my first thought
was,
‘OMG….when did my
upper arms get so fat?”
i was not overweight
but i knew something
was wrong with my body…
i had known this
most of my life
because i lived on
claritin during the day
and benadryl at night
i had hives on my
scalp, elbows, knees
and lower back…
and these were just
a few of the things
i lived with.
i was born very sick
so i just figured
this is who i was…
until i decided to
cleanse my body…
i literally
treated myself
like a newborn baby…
i did only water for 3 days
then i spent 6 month
reintroducing food
one thing at a time…
needless to say,
i lost
25 lbs in the process,
but
i gained knowledge…
i stopped beating myself up
stopped making excuses
and i stood firm
and unembarrassed
when i would carry my meals
to dinner parties,
friends houses
and my own dressing and toppings
for a plain salad to restaurants
i began embracing
ME!
i did not care what
anyone thought
or whispered
behind my back
because
i
felt
amazing…
no more hives
or benadryl-
i am very careful
with everything i put
in my body…

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i will always have allergies

always have to take
claritin daily
and watch what i eat
but i just don’t care…
i decided 12 years ago
i was taking my life back…
so i ask you today
what do you need to change?
who do you need to omit?
are you happy?
can you honestly say to yourself
‘i love myself
and my life,
i am in control?’
for me it has been a long journey
of acceptance
forgiveness
courage
strength
and i did all of this
through
and with faith.
i have faith.
and as you know
faith for me
is God.
it is not religion.
i found my path
through prayer
and meditation
through believing
in what i was born into
and taught
by my mother,
through many
years of church,
beloved pastors
who became
my mentors
and friends
i knew
beyond a shadow of a doubt
i had a story to tell
i had people to teach
i had colors to share
and i would not stop
until i took my
last breath…
i no longer beat myself up.
i do still see my
big thighs
and old baby pooch
i take vitamins
to strengthen my hair
i gave away all my
small sized clothes
and began embracing
me…
aging
wrinkling
thickening
ME.
if i am to be
truly loved
for who i am
i had to first
love myself.

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