telling truths part one at nautilus teachings

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they had been arguing
for what seemed
like 10 years
she knew something
was off
something was not quite right
for a long time…
she looked into his eyes
and kissed
the man she loved
her gaze begged forgiveness
she yearned for him to hold her
yet his glance is elsewhere
the kiss lands flat
as he briskly pulls away…
the world she had built
all around him
really was a cage
perfect family
holiday photos
grand vacations
house with a white picket fence
even a beautiful lab-
they both worked hard,
played harder
and now today
at this very moment
as they both sit
inside his truck
she notices his emptiness
his blank stare forward
hands suffocating the steering wheel
so she dares ask the question,
“is there someone else?”
his look is one of bewilderment
as he slowly whispers,
“….yeeesssss…”
her tummy does flip flops
her heart begins to bleed
as a tsunami of hurt begins
to suck all the air from her lungs…
her breathing is rapid
as tears begin to slip and slide
down her cheeks…
right at this very moment
while the fall sunshine is
still warm,
the leaves turing
brilliant hues of orange, yellow and red,
as her two beauties play outside
the truck with their friends laughing
at their brothers football game
her world begins to explode
as rage sets in…
she sets her eyes upon his face
the one she had held
loved and kissed for so long
the one she knew to be home
and asks,
“who is she? why? i don’t understand…”
his eyes are darting back and forth
he takes a deep breath and begins…
“no, no, no…you have it all wrong.
it’s not like that.
if only you would sit and listen…”

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she releases the door handle
which she has been strangling
clasps her hands together
takes in the image of the father
of her children
closes her eyes and says,
“…explain…”
there is no yelling
only eery calm within the truck
she feels heavy
as if she is tethered to the bottom
of a churning sea
as she waits for him to find the words…
“i was 12 when it started…
everyone in my family knew
no one stopped me
no one helped me
i did not even know why
i was doing it…
and now 30 years later
i need to share with you my truths…”
as he begins to unravel
his life in broken words
which are merely just floating
all over the interior of the truck
even bouncing off of her
because she is not absorbing them…
he lost her with his first words,
“i like to ….”
at that very moment,
when he opened up
his secret life to her
a huge weight lifted off of her
and she realized
it was never about her…
she is actually smiling
feeling shamefully whimsical…
“did you hear me?”, he asks
she nods in slow motion
as he once more repeats himself
the entire story
he has softened, tears are
gently gliding down his cheeks
he glances towards her…
her lips begin to part
and she whispers,
“yes….thank you…”
then he takes her hand
squeezed it and says,
“well, we have a game to get to…”

why thank you?
because she lived under his thumb
he ruled over her
just like her father had
ruled over her mother
and when he enlightened her
she wanted to jump up and scream,
“yes! i knew it wasn’t me!”
their entire marriage
she knew he lied
she just had not the time
or the strength to find the proof
he gave her the ammunition
on this glorious fall day
inside the truck he loved
while she wanted to fire
right through his heart
her truth-
she hated him
she only stayed
for the children
and from this day on
he was no longer allowed
in their lives…”
BAM!
but
she did not say those words
did not fire
instead she sat beside him
at their sons game
played the i am happily married wife
and decided once more
she would stay…

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she felt unworthy, weak, speechless
and this is exactly what she
deserved in life…
he became more abusive,
and stopped any act of kindness.
she needed air
yearned to be held…
so, she had an affair
and for three months
she felt some release,
until the day he found out
then
he cared
then he was mad
then he began hitting her
over and over
screaming
blaming her
for all his problems…
and she took it
because she was wrong
she should have left him
she just did not know how
she had no support system
always one excuse after
another why she stayed…
for 5 more years she endured,
being threatened with a knife
screamed at
tied up
beat down
and wearing a myriad of masks
all conveying to the world
i am fine
i am happy
i am loved
we are the perfect couple
the perfect family
all the while
her memory always rushing back
to that day in the truck-
her therapist told her to leave
her best friend told her to go
but on that day,
the lock was broken
trust was gone
and a drip, drip, drip
began within her soul…

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