the love of dogs at nautilus teachings

 

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the depths of which
darkness
encompasses
my soul
flows as easily
in and out of my life
as the tide
kissing the sandy shore…
on these days
i hold my breath
as i feel the immense pressure
of a giant wave crashing upon me
my heart beat races
so fast i place my hand
upon my heart
holding it in hope of it calming
from the warmth and pressure of my hand
i am caught
in an upwelling of
emotions
tears are floating
in the corners of my eyes
and the drip drip drops
begin cascading down
my cheeks
and I am once more
cornered
boxed
hostage
by the barnacles
still hanging on
from my life
i am walking in circles
i cannot settle
i feel the tsunami
approaching
the cracks of light
are not feeding me enough air
i want to scream
to lie down and weep
like a starving baby
i want someone to just
pick me up
cradle me
hold me
listen to me
tell me i am not crazy…

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but i am alone
trembling
with fear
that
maybe this time
i will not come back
to sanity
that they truly
will lock me up
throw away the key
and i will be left
to drool
wet myself
and weep
until i take my last breath…
my nose is dripping
as much as my eyes are weeping
my legs are shaking
as i rise and walk
walk
walk
mumbling to myself
“i see you
i feel you
leave me alone…”
the darkness is everywhere
it is light out
yet i see
only shadows
i feel chills
as i begin to run
faster and faster…
my head is pounding
the music on my iPod
though soothing on most days
seems to be on skip mode
replaying the words of demons past
“you are worthless
stupid
ugly
fat
crazy…”

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i let it take over my body
i fall to the floor
curl up in a ball in the corner
and let it all go…
my two dogs
finn and reef
come running in,
lay beside me,
place their
shaggy heads upon my lap
and settle in
beside me.
they are my anchor
this morning.
their presence
brings light
into my life
at a moment
of anxiety
so immense
so intense
i was seeing my life
break open
once more…
then the licks start coming
upon my cheeks
and the tails begin to wag
and soon i am smiling.
i am breathing in their scent
their
unconditional devotion and love
for me
and i begin to giggle…
light is streaming in
through the cracks
i feel my color come flooding
back upon my soul
and the voice of God
whisper in my ear
“silly girl
you
are
loved.”

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