unexpected at nautilus teachings



i am waiting patiently
to unfold
the beautiful
chaos of a
weekend spent
side by side
with the man i love
and rehabbing
the office he has called home
for over 20 years…
for over two decades
it has remained the same
barn red, spinach green
dirty brown colors…
one by one
photos were added
some replaced
some overtaking older ones
books piling up
every corner
and every piece of wall crammed
with memories

i have a long time
beautiful friend
who’s been married
for over 3 decades
raising kids
hosting family functions
working hard
building a lovely home
always strong in her faith…
each time i see her
she has a smile
and a welcoming hug
until a short while ago
on one sunny
florida day
she tells me,
‘i’m leaving him.
i just cannot take it anymore.
i stayed for the kids…’
and like that
she took her things
rented a place
got a different job
and while her other half
was at work
she moved out
her life
into pieces…

just a week ago
i found out
another of my dear friends
who is married
with two small kids
is fighting 4th stage
breast cancer…
the prognosis is
very good for her survival
but right now
and for a few years to come
without insurance
they are struggling
yet feel very blessed
to have a huge family
sustaining them,
along with their church family.


we can never go back
to those lazy days of youth,
we remember
hiding in the bathroom
for 5 minutes of peace
when our kids were small
or arriving 15 minutes early
just to get some
me time
as we happily sat alone
in our cars,
favorite music on
resting our eyes…

we build
layer upon layer
of memories
and one of the gifts
aging brings us
is the time
to unfurl them
one at a time
through photographs
old cards
and letters
or just
click click clicking
our reeled nostalgia
of the good old days…

this is why
some squalls
in our life are good…
they wake us up
and ask us
what would you save
if you only had one car
to pack your life into?
what is most important?

when i redid my studio
after Irma
i threw away 10 bags of stuff
i was just holding onto
‘just in case…’
it felt so good to free myself
of all the junk
that now,
when i walk in
i smile even bigger
as how simply beautiful
less really is…

the end result is different
for every person.
some people
and will not
let go
which is fine,
as long it’s not
weighing them down
stopping their growth
keeping them anchored
to hurt, anger and sadness…
we, as loved ones
do not get to pick
what they hold sacred…
it’s not our job
or place to tell
any person
that their memory
of someone
is not worthy
to be saved…
even if it’s a bubble gum wrapper
filled with old gum
from their child’s first
bubble they ever blew…
i still keep my sons
first tiny drawing
he made of me at a restaurant
on the corner of a napkin
in my ‘mom box…’

so today,
as i rose up
and uncurled my aching body
from my soft sheets
took in the scent of my
morning coffee
fed the boys
lit my candle
and began
my prayer
i gazed around
our tiny love shack
felt the warmth of
the morning sun
and very quietly
and graciously
bowed my head
as a tear
lazily strolled down my cheek
dripping onto my lap
as the door creaked
and d,
all sleepy, smiled at me,
as a new day began,
and i knew
in the back of my head
i would not get
everything accomplished today…
i smiled
looked up
at my love
and said,
looks like God
is giving us another day…’
then i rose up
hugged him close
and as he strolled
back to get ready
for his long day ahead,
i looked up to God
and whispered,
‘thank you…’