unmasking motherhood at nautilus teachings

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i am a constant stream
of psychedelic emotions
twisting and flowing
with energy
along my coursing stream
there are inlets to rest
there are
upwellings
which bend me
i have leaks
which spill over
into tiny pools
filled with
colorful fish
who swim
to the rhythm of the
waving sea grasses
i see my image
cast out across
the reflecting pond
this smooths my
wrinkles
and blurs the image of reality-
i am aging,
half my life already over
i must rapidly tread the waters
to keep my heart beating
my creativity flowing
hands in constant movement
only settle
to pick
tiny white daisies
or bright yellow buttercups
the outside world spins
violently around me
shifting my sails off course
in small moments of weakness
as i fumble for correction
i loose control of silence
wounding anyone in my path
who angers me

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and then an air bubble
rises
i pop it
breathe in my faith
and fall weeping
broken
and as i tac my sails back
on course
i choose separation
isolation
contemplation
and begin to heal
one word
one brush stroke
at a time…
i toss my mask of motherhood
aside
watching the colors
disappear and melt away
as it slides to the bottom
of the ocean blue
wishing mistakes were just
as easily erased
knowing
this is false
and they cling to me like barnacles
just as memories
glide in and out of me
as easily as the tide
kissing the shore.
accepting
my imperfections is easy
accepting
my children’s is much more difficult
i must disrobe myself of the motherhood mask
and accept they do not care what i think
or how i feel
they only see themselves
as perfectly steering their own course
and all their choices being true…

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silence envelopes me
from this day onward
there shall be only
the mask
of a listener
as i turn my bow
face to the wind
trust faith
to steer my course
and karma
to answer all
questions
ugliness
and hurt
as it is hurled toward me
for i am
determined
to never
ever
be hurt so deeply by words
that i allow the
ugly upwelling inside of me
to turn into a
tsunami
clearing all within its path.

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