waiting to change at nautilus teachings

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sometimes for a while
a broken life
has good moments,
or should i say
more tolerable ones?!
she had felt like
she had not chosen
every step of her life
and woke up
one day and realized
she did choose,
but she knew no other life.
she had come from abuse
from a house filled
with harsh ugly words
her brothers
were demons
who drank, drugged, stole, ran away
and verbally assaulted her mom
her dad was mostly silent
and never home
she learned
love was mean
that women took it
and shut up,
that they stayed…
she knew
her mother was strong
but she never knew
why she stayed…
after her mother died
so many years ago
her friends told her
wonderful things
about her mom
but there was one common
negative thread,
‘she always wanted to leave
your father…’
she was very close to her mom,
but she was young when
her mom died…
so she lived her life
within the walls
she knew,
right
or
wrong…

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i have known her
her entire life…
what i also know
is the pain she endured
the insecurity she felt
she had no self esteem
and no one
to lift her up…
oh, sure
she had a few close
confidants
that knew her story
and that she wanted
to run away all the time
but they never encouraged
her to leave
they just listened,
commenting,
‘ah, it’s not so bad…he’s gone
most of the time…
lock yourself in the bedroom
with your kids at night…’
or
‘what is wrong with you?
you take it. you lie for family
you die for family
you just take it and shut up…’
this girl/mom/wife/woman
was drowning
every day
and she could not
save herself…
i tried to help her
but it would take
middle age
the last straw
pure hunger
for the unknown
and dropping all fear…
it would mean
relying solely upon
God and her faith
to sustain her…

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she had deep faith,
that i knew
but like so many people
she did not give it all
to God,
she held back
thinking God was too busy
or would not respond…
then,
that day began like
so many others…
she rose
got the kids off to school
and in one quick moment
she was on the floor
and HE was over her
“you fucking bitch, slut, whore, cunt…
i fucking hate you.
i will take the kids
and all my money and leave you
with nothing accept
your sick sorry self.
i will tie you down
tape open your eyelids
and make you watch me dress
and be who i really am…”
then the doorbell….
it rang and rang and rang
and HE left…
as she rose up
she inhaled strength
she never knew
called the police
and waited
for her life to change…

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