walking away from family at nautilus teachings

could you walk away
from a family member?
end your relationship with them?
never talk to them again?
i can
and i did.
you may see me as cold
and unforgiving
but it is actually the opposite…
through the process of forgiving them
i learned all their truths
this allowed me to understand
where their pain and anger came from-
it landed upon me because
i was the baby of the family
the only girl
and for my exes the closest
one to their heart…
we tend to take out anger
upon those we love the most
because with them we feel we
can be honest and open-
and we can,
but we must also have boundaries
we cannot blame or harm
someone we care for
because we have been hurt or abused
we must break this cycle and accept
their love unconditionally…
during my marriages i
felt sympathy and pity for them both
i wanted to fix them
help them heal
the result was them
taking out upon me
all the pain anger and shame they felt
for whomever had harmed them
prior to me entering their life…
in understanding this
in accepting all this as truth
the path away from them
was healing…
the shedding of all the
cumbersome barnacles
of their failures
which i too was carrying
literally floated away.
they do not have to accept or acknowledge
your forgiveness.
in granting forgiveness
you welcome inner peace
into your soul
you gift yourself freedom
from the energy sucking
never healing
always fearing being attacked life…

when it is a parent,
and in this case
it was my father
i knew
i could not
and would not see him again
as long as his wife was alive.
that may sound cruel
but he made his own choices
to deny to my face what
his wife said
to take her side
allowing her
to belittle me
accuse me
and verbally assault me
in front of him.
not long after
my father called me
accusing me of putting
naked pics on fb
i picked up my phone
and called him…
“hey dad. listen. i don’t know what…..says about me
but i am your daughter. all i ever wanted was
for you to love me and be proud of me.
i cannot talk to you if you continually attack me.
i wanted you to know i love you…”
now, remember his hearing is bad
this is the response i got,
“she denies saying anything.
oh, and by the way
i am going to be cremated
when i die, so you don’t have to come home
she will just put me in the mausoleum next
to your mother. no party or service…”
more silence
then i hung up.
my father is odd.
always has been.
but this lack of hearing can
sometimes bring about the weirdest
responses from him.
i still remember the one time he was in my convertible
in the backseat
his wife in the front-
remember i told you we were friends for 20 years
prior to the incident of her ugly loose lips-
he was talking and smiling…
upon arrival home i asked him what he was saying
and who he was talking to.
his response,
“to myself. i always talk to myself
because no one yells at me
and i can tell myself jokes…”

is this what d is in for with me
when i am old?!!
i think about my dad a lot
i know she takes care of him
and for that i am eternally grateful.
the family i walked away from
does not
and never did
need or want me in their life.
does it hurt?
it did for years.
did the pain stop
once i wrote my letters?
it healed.
every now and then
i get a tiny fissure
that produces a
toddler temper tantrum
which ends up with me
and throwing paint
but yes,
pain free.
the burden was lifted
of having to participate
in a life
that truly was never
one i was invited to.
all of this explains
my inability to form close bonds
with any one person…
i love my kids
i would love to have weekly
if not daily
“hey mom, just thinking about you…”
like i did with my own mother
but that will never happen
because even though i know
i did the best job i could raising my kids
i also understand the bigger picture
i was never whole while raising them
and just as my mother says about my father,
i was born broken.
i am my father’s daughter.
at the age of 42 i began separating
from my life and
finding sheri…
today at 55
i am still a work in progress.
all my broken pieces
are now bonded to me
with faith as my center
making up my one beautiful
colorful mosaic life.
could you walk away?
i did
and in doing so
i found true love,
inner peace, joy
and happiness…