weakness, stupidity, strength at nautilus teachings

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the God i believe in
is not punishing
but forgiving and loving,
purposely committing a sin
knowing we are in the wrong
is a human flaw.
there are times we feel weak
so we many have a few drinks
or as i have come to find out
from younger people especially
they smoke a little weed…
some people carry so much shame
they try to hide it with drugs
and alcohol
but the biggest sin committed
daily is telling lies
and i am pretty sure cussing is
a close second.
sure statistics reveal
a large percentage of people
are having affairs,
yet today
people are waiting to get married
some choose to live together
then leave when it gets tough…
the divorce rate is about
40 to 50 percent and the
divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher.
what does that mean for
those of us who are on our
second or third marriage?
lets go back to sher.
she knew seeing peter
that one time was a sin
yet she did it because
she was selfish, immature,
she was too weak to stand up
to her parents her entire life
and afraid to get a divorce
for fear it would kill her mother earlier
than the 6 month time frame…
she truly believed
this would be her life,
a loveless marriage
with maybe another child
membership at the local country club
nice vacations
a beautiful home
she knew she would lack
for nothing?
she settled for a marriage
without conversation
without common interests
for a partner she did not
even like much
who chose his job over
her and their son.
day by day she got thinner
down to 105 again
still chatting via phone
with pete a few times a year
mother dying
absent husband
WTF was she supposed to do?
she treaded water
she took it all
while waiting for her mom to pass.
when her son was 15 months
she buried her mother
pulled herself together
and decided
one more real try to make
her marriage work.
they went on outings with
his business
she played the dutiful wife
after three months of this
after a long trip
via bus to an out of state
football game which ended at a bar
near where everyone had parked their cars
in the middle of all of his friends
with everyone watching
he pulls her aside
and says,
“why are you flirting with my friends?”
‘i wasn’t flirting we were all talking…’
he squeezed her wrist harder
and just as he was about to explode
she wriggled free
and ran out the door
he chased her
grabbed her
and she smacked him across the face
he stumbled back enough
so she could run
and run she did…


she hailed a taxi
went home
paid the sitter
grabbed her suitcase and her son
and was on the way out the door
when WHAM!
he pinned her left side
against the entry wall
unwilling to let go
but spewing enough
poisonous words
to choke anyone.
when he released her
he left…
her son was fine
her shoulder ended up being
torn pretty severely
but she placed her son in his crib
called her boy best friend
and soon he was there.
BHBEG#1
did not return that night
her friend stayed until
she calmed down.
the following day
BHBEG#1 came home
apologetic
asking her to seek
counseling
she looked at him
and said,
‘no, it’s way to late for that,
i want a divorce.’
finally she would be free.
what would have happened
if dory was still alive?
if she had never gotten sick?
sher would have stayed.
she would have gone to
the counselor
she would have prayed
for it all to end
while at the same time
becoming a pro at wearing masks,
because she would have had
her mom to lean on
complain to
vent to
a shoulder to cry on
a knowing hand to hold…
when the one person
we love the most dies
we are lost bobbing at sea.
when a girl loses her mom
it’s as if you sucked all the air
out of her lungs
her heart is beating
at half the rate,
not to mention
her head becomes mush
thinking clearly is almost
impossible.


many people lose spouses
never to attach again
some get lost in depression
and then there are the
“normal people?”
the ones who can suck it up
move on quickly
remarry
shake it off
accept that loss is just
part of life
they may lose themselves in their work
or their family
they may take up new hobbies
or fall even deeper into their faith
some still turn to vises
and become encompassed in those
to numb, dull and keep at bay the pain.
then there are those that rebel
or in sher’s case
try rebellion
she got divorced
found a job
moved in with a
beach bum bartender
as her father called him
married for a second time
got pregnant
had two children
all the while still talking
to pete randomly
going to church
stashing money
and waiting for the perfect time
to once more be free.
divorced again?
not until she allowed him
to abuse her for 15 years
not until she finally had enough
of his lies and fowl mouth
not to mention
a secret life of his own
after he abandoned her
and her three kids
finding solace
in the arms of a fellow
crack whore
did she finally stand up
and say fuck you to her life,
then fell to her knees
saying,
Lord, forgive me
for what i am about to do.
Lead my life.
from this day forward
i am yours…