what i know at nautilus teachings


i know what it is like to be young
to have the entire world at your feet
to fall in love so deeply
you feel as if you will shatter
into a million tiny pieces
if you don’t see his face
feel his breath
his touch
his kiss
upon your skin…
i know what it’s like to look
into his eyes
and see your life spread before you
full of wonder, beauty, grace, family
and children,
to know what the deepest
love in your life feels like…
i know what it’s like to
not know what you want to do
or who you are
to have words and colors
pent up inside you
screaming to get out
and feeling no one cares
or will listen
accept him…
i know what it’s like
to have thousands of footpaths
all around you, waiting
and only feel the pull of him-
into his center,
his being
his life
his world
he makes you
his heartbeat
he says without you
he cannot breathe, live
or love you like him…

you fall into him
over and over
into the most passionate
loving you have ever had…
he knows your secret places,
what makes you tick,
so you fall
day by day
week by week
until that one moment
when you were blindsided…
when your love was
thrown back at you
in the most ugly words possible
when the fist of love
landed upon you
the slap of love
made your head spin
making the pure love
the goodness of you
feel filthy,
only to awaken the next day
to encompassed
in his warm salty tears
as he gently touches you, saying
“i love you,
forgive me,
i will never do that again…”
listening makes you ache
hearing how eternally sorry he is
breaks you…
i know what it is like to forgive
to look upon his eyes once more
with love
only this time
there is a slight filmy filter
covering the being of him
you cannot figure out
what is up
only know
hearing him makes you tremble
smelling him makes you gag
and being next to him
begins to feel as if you are
laying upon jagged rocks…

i know what it’s like
to live that life
to crave
and be addicted
to that life,
to the agony and pain
of allowing
someone you love
to hurt you over and over again
ebbing and flowing
changing the path
the very hues of your life…
i know what that’s like.
do not think i don’t
i lived it…
i know what it’s like to
have few months
away from him
to miss him
long for him
yearn for his words,
touch, tenderness
and to allow back into your life
the entity of him
as he speaks the words,
“i love you.
i have changed.
i am no longer that person…”
i know what it’s like
to pick up and believe again
not just one time
but 10 times…
can you not see this truth?

do you not see i have
lived this life
and yours now echoes mine?
are you so blinded
by youth
so used to wearing
those rose colored glasses
that you can no longer
see truth
feel truth
know it?
you have the power
to walk away
you have the strength
to say
“thank you, i love you too, but no…”
you have the courage
to look at the tainted love
that twists your heart
into so many different
wanting positions
to look it straight in the eye
and say
“fuck you, i’m done,
i can no longer endure
your sugar coated lies…”
i walked those shoes.
as you walk back,
turn towards
and embrace him
once more,
as you try to fix him
and his family
to be the glue which
holds them all together
because it reflects the life
you were brought up in,
the life you miss,
one that was filled with hope
within your tiny heart
as you prayed on bended knees
as you turn away from your faith
refusing to drop your masks
of stubbornness and bias
i want you to know
one thing-
i love you
unconditionally …