what is Christmas at nautilus teachings

DSC04024

Christmas-
where do you look
for it?
how do you
find it?
what does it
feel like?
is it a color,
a scent,
a memory?
a time?
what is
Christmas to you?
maybe Christmas
is a feeling
or a box
you locked up
and buried…
is it as simple
as decorating a tree,
hanging lights
wrapping presents
and making cookies?
what is it you remember?
my memory is filled
with snow,
cookies
my mom
a feeling of being loved…
it’s also the knowing
i was always on
the outside looking in
to a place i never belonged
yet always yearned for…
Christmas is my
grandmothers cinnamon buns
my mothers holiday breakfast potatoes
it’s candlelight
Christmas eve service
tears
and the understanding
nothing lasts forever.

ps_2011_11_08___13_22_12

Christmas is absence
its loss
and sadness
all wrapped up
with the golden thread of
God’s promise
that we will see those
we loved and lost once more
it’s the knowing that
those aprons
your beauties wore
for years
while you made Christmas cookies
will never rest upon them again
it’s memories of
his tiny face
and golden halo wishing for
ninja turtles and batman,
her wishing for
american girl dolls
and a trampoline…
knowing
this will never be
captured again
as you
click, click, click
the remembrance camera
wondering
were you living your
truths
did you do the best you could ?
tears cascade down
your cheeks…
you know
none of this
can ever be lived again
and as you sit at the base
of your tree
understanding this year
nothing will be wrapped
underneath it
no stockings will
need stuffing
no Christmas plate set for Santa
that the magic
you’ve known
your whole life
still exists
but
it will just be you
and your love
and the belief
that the greatest gift
you ever received
was faith…
as we age
Christmas
does change
in many ways
it becomes quieter
softer
warmer…
the madness
planning
running up the credit cards
baking for days
wrapping
counting gifts
all the mommy stuff
ends…

DSC04015 2 DSC01083
and leaves one empty
depleted
done
searching…
as you sit
in the magic
of the silent night
after night
after night
with the tree lights
illuminating
your once
filled home
your soul
begins to quiver
your eyes
become liquid
your hands ache
and just when
you almost wish
to go back in time
God gently nudges you
to open up the photo albums
read the handmade cards
touch their first ornaments
and breathe in
the wonderful
beautiful
amazing gift
which is your life…
Christmas
what is it to me?
a colorful timeline
dotted with laugher
family
anticipation
love
which all
wraps around
my entirety
buoyantly
suspended by
faith…

IMG_6793