what she knew at nautilus teachings



she knew i needed
to get away-
a day off…
just her and i
a girls day.
she knew what i
had endured
she was the bandage
on all my wounds
the handkerchief
which dried my tears
the pillow
i fell into
and the love
i was made of…
life was different now, though…
she had a voice
she had power
she had strength
she had a fight
that would not ever
give in or up…
she was silenced for too long
locked up in his tower
ruled by men
but she could not deny
the calling
the voices
the longing in her
to serve
and protect…
so, today
was just another day to her,
but for me
it was the day after
i had been
belittled by words
my dreams struck down
i felt worthless
i had spent the night crying
and her longing to run
to me
to comfort me
was denied
by him
“leave her alone,
let her grow up,
you are no good
you have already failed
three times at mothering
you cannot help her either…”
i heard his words
as i sat outside
the wooden door
upon the orange shag carpet
holding back my tears
resisting the urge
to kill him…
i hated him.
eventually i cried myself
to silent vigilant sleep
and woke up to
the sweetest aroma
of pancakes, bacon and
fresh squeezed orange juice.
my hair was in knots
i looked a mess
but i was greeted with her
all encompassing smile…
“good morning dearheart,
how about breakfast
then a day with me?
i have to travel to…….”

she knew.
she just knew.
i ran to her.
wrapped my then
13 year old arms around her
looked up at her with
my big brown eyes
smiled and nodded yes, yes, yes…
soon we were on the road
in her convertible…
just me and her
and she would talk endlessly
about life
as i sat kissed by the heated sun
wind in my hair
eyes closed
and dreaming
of the day
i would one day
give back to her
as much as she had
given to me…
we had many days like this
over the next 5 years
and after that we had
saturdays together
for another 7 years…
each day,
each moment
each trip
was a new golden thread
of memory
woven into my heart…
and then-
the day…
i am with her
when she is told
“dory, you are going to die,
you have 6 months to live…”
no one understood the bond
between my mother and i…
we were two peas in a pod
i was so proud of her
as she was of me
but she gave me everything
and i never got the chance
to give her much…
but we did have the memories
of our trips
our days
our love
and i know
that no matter what
was said to me
by him-
“you killed your mother…”
i know
deep down
i was the one
who saved her…

mom and me
mom and me

1 Comment

  1. Pam

    So sad your dad and brothers were so evil and your mom had to stay with him but very happy you escaped his evil and became the beautiful, confident and loving person you are.

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