what weighs you down at nautilus teachings

 

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it was two little words.
i had not heard
from her mouth
for nearly 29 years
but today
as i was registering
to get my blood drawn
at the hospital
the lady called,
“sheri lynn…’
not sheri stewart,
sheri lynn…
immediately
i felt her warmth,
smelled her scent
and saw her smile…
i saw my young self
reflected upon her
big brown, sparkling eyes
her arms were around me
and the two of us
were giggling…
i saw us baking cookies
driving in her convertible
shopping and having lunch…
“sheri lynn…”
my name was being called again
as i snapped back
“yes, that’s me…”
i finished my paperwork
got my blood drawn
and hopped in my car.
it was so warm
i put down all the windows
opened the moon roof
looked up
and they fell,
one after another
until once more
this almost 54 year old crazy artist
was gently and silently crying…

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i am about to begin
a tough emotional year…
in may, i turn 54
and begin what was the last year
of not just my grandmothers life
but my mothers…
mother and daughter
both dying at 55-
this would not be my legacy!
just today, D said to me,
“listen, honey, you cannot
mind-fuck yourself
you have to give it all to God
you have to be positive
and know that you are not
going anywhere soon…”
the last time i saw my
beautiful aunt,
who is my moms sister,
was 4 years ago.
she is the only one i ever let
call me sheri lynn…
hearing her say those words
as i look into her eyes
see her gorgeous smile
followed by a tiny giggle-
well, she is a piece of my mom
and it warms my heart
each time i get to see her.
i have carried this weight
since her passing in 1987.
since i was a child my mother
could be heard whispering
in confidence to friends and family,
“i know i am going to die young…”
words i heard over and over
yet never to me
until that fateful day
when the doctor said to her
“dorry, you are going to die…”
she was 53.
every year,
as i aged,
i was aware i was
drawing closer
to the end of her life
of grandmas life…
and in the back of my head
in a tiny box i wrapped
up in steel and locked away
was the vibration of death
which only grew
more steady and louder
with each passing year.

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the plan…
to live each day
to the fullest,
to not just make it to my 55th birthday,
but to surpass it
have the longevity of the women
on my fathers side
who all lived to 98+…
yes, i am my mothers daughter
and that is her gift-
she gave me life.
she gave me crayons and papers
she let me dream
introduced me to the water
and all living creatures
who swam in the healing waters.
she taught me to love unconditionally
to give, smile and laugh…
so instead of moping around
feeling sorry for myself
and giving not just in but up,
i am living my life filled with gratitude,
i am planning my 56th birthday!
i will be in Barcelona, Spain
in Gaudi’s sagrada familia chapel

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kissing the man
i love,
who believes in me.
who has given me
the gift of
living my truths
on the outside.
without him,
i would still be under
those red wooden steps
so maybe,
just maybe
i will let him call me
sheri lynn…
odds are,
he will just look at me
with his handsome grin
and say,
“hey blonde, happy birthday…”
then layer me with his
sweet kisses of acceptance
of the woman i was born to be
and in the center of us
the eye of God…

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