what you did not know at nautilus teachings


what is it like knowing
someone you love
is holding your truths captive?
that the last person
who can possibly
fill in the blanks
refuses to do so
and you do not know why…
the questions have been
asked for 29 years now
and still his silence remains
his stories untold
her last wishes locked up
key thrown away…
the story you needed to hear
and now will never know…
what about the guy
who’s in all the photos
with you?
the one you gave
your heart to
so long ago?
how can you possibly
not believe all the pictures which
reveal truths you did not know
and lie after lie became exposed…
how can 15 years of your life
be completely filled with deceit?
how could you have not known
she was going to die?
why did you believe his lies?
were you that immature?
that feebleminded?
and did you not visually see
that he was wearing so many masks
how could you have misunderstood
the way he put his words together?
he was so good at selling falsities to you
that you just
all would be ok?

and oh those tiny faces
so beautiful
that you love, love, loved so much
the ones who stole your heart…
maybe you were never
supposed to know them…
maybe the shocking reality
was so unbelievable
that you could not handle them?
what about the time
you came home from college
for the first time,
went out with friends-
it was before cell phones
and you came in at 2:30am
and was greeted with a slap
across your 18 year old face,
something she had never done before…
and today,
you still see her broken image
crying, turning and in silence
leaving you at the door
alone, stunned
filled with the knowledge
you had just hurt
the one you loved the most…

or the time when he held you
while you lay sick,
cleaned up your vomit
brushed your hair
bathed you
only to find out
when he was not there
he was wearing your clothes,
pretending to be ‘she’.
living your truths,
using your voice,
being honest,
sharing your life stories…
it all is important,
all is healing…
you cannot ever
learn the past
which has not
and never will be revealed….
so you continue
on your journey
that which hurt you
that which wounded you
and that which you did not know
because while all of this
was going on in your life
you believed in forgiveness
in trust
and you always
lived in the knowing
God was with you
good or bad
right or wrong
you could fall into Him
and be healed….