write the letter part one at nautilus teachings

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her hands shook
but she knew
the letter
needed to be written
truths needed to be told
questions answered…
a life-
her life-
needed to be explained
because she knew
one day
years from
now
she would not be here
and they would want
to talk to her,
ask her questions,
to understand…
it was a gift
she was never given,
and the knowing,
so many truths
would never be revealed
to her
allowed her permission
to speak
if only
for now
in a sealed document…
she felt
herself
drowning,
she needed to be selective
placing need to know
above wanting them to know…
her mind began a journey
into the past
she was in the center
of many footpaths…
which one should she choose
she closed her eyes
stretched out her arms
and felt the undeniable pull
of her faith…
she was under the red wooden steps
her cheeks streaming
with warm, salty tears
rocking back and forth
upon her knees praying,
“God, make me a fish
so i can swim far, far away…
the demons were near
she looked for her keys
hidden amongst her mother’s colors
found them
and felt her heart slow
“oh Lord,
why am i here,
no one likes me
i don’t belong,
please take me home…”
she begins….

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“i
was born
into a very broken life
a family
where i felt unwanted
hated and was
picked upon
yet, truly loved by my mother…”
she sees her mom,
brown eyes and hair
welcoming smile
PTA president
cub scout leader
sunday school teacher,
sun tanned
glowing
and warm…
“i barely treaded water
always needed air to breathe
so i began to write and paint my world
in a little closet
under the red wooden steps
in my childhood home…”
she remembered the grey wilted house
she grew up in
her controlling father
her abusive brothers
and the center of her world,
her mom…
“i was saved by wise old mr hawksbill
he gave me colorful fish friends
waving sea grasses
air to breathe
and turned me into
fancy finns the mermaid…
he made me believe in magic
and whenever i felt lost, scared, alone
i turned to God,
for God save me when i was 5
He held me in the palm of His hand
and gave me back to my mom,
she became the focus of my life
i was dedicated to her
she was my best friend
and on the day she died
i lost my identity…”
she remembers holding him
he was tiny, small
her heart,
leaving his father had to be done
she needed to find herself…
the path before her
is filled with stench
she has to travel down it
she must accept her truth
her rebellion-
it was the most unhealthy
15 years of her life
but from it came two beauties…
“i loved him because he was broken
just like my father
i needed to prove to myself
i could heal someone
help someone
be just like my
mother…”
this is a deep scar,
one which weeps
with such pain
remorse
regret…
she breathes in
exhales and continues..
“i knew not of his addictions
fetishes
or complete emptiness,
he lied
from day one…
and i believed…”
she begins to cry out
‘please forgive me…’

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